Tuesday, May 17, 2005

A song for Alison

As she departs for mighty mighty Michigan for 4.5 months, I bid her farewell with this little tune about something near and dear to her heart--literally and figuratively. Clicky here!

Sunday, May 15, 2005

I'm officially done

Ya know, as a kid, grown-ups never impressed me with their liquor and their flashy money clips and drug habits. Luckily, I always had the worlds created by my fragile little imagination to keep me company and far, far away from that life of gluttonous stupidity. As a grown-up now, living in fantasy worlds (largely filled with GI Joes and Transformers blowing the holy hell out of each other) is actively discouraged, and when confronted solely with the alternatives of drinking, clubbing, fucking random people (and getting crotch-critters or unwanted pregnancies), and getting stoned out of my mind, I choose none of the above. I need something else.

Some would say videogames are the answer. While still viewed as anti-social and largely infantile by society (wrong on both accounts), what else are people like me supposed to do? Case in point, this weekend...

We go out for Rob's birthday. He just wants to sit in a quiet pub, drink, eat, and shoot the shit. Sounds good to me. Somehow, someway, and I'm not sure who (if anyone) is really to blame, we start out at a nice Italian restaurant (where I had fettucine alfredo con pollo [with chicken, for the Italian/Spanish impaired]). Fine and dandy, despite my completely umprompted colonic fireworks. At least the restaurant had nice bathrooms. Two shits later, Asher has more or less seduced the girls at the table next to us, and they decide to join us for the remainder of the night. At this point, methinks the end point of this journey should have been apparent. Asher had taken the reins and didn't look back.

From there we walked around lower Manhattan for a bit, saw Asher fall flat on the sidewalk while running drunk (two carafe's of wine will do that), Asher tried to crash a Ukrainian dance party, then we ended up heading for some hole in the wall called Lit. It wasn't scenic, it wasn't classy, it was entirely too noisy, and there was a cover charge to get into the basement. If I were a rich investment banker or whatever, I'd stop bitching about paying cover to get into places I'm pretty sure I won't like. However, that's not the reality of my life. Rob pays for me and Maria, and we all go in.

Fast forward about 20 minutes. One of the girls is kinda anxious to keep talking to me, which I don't mind, but I don't really imagine it going anywhere. She's a swell gal, I'm just a little off-put by something about her I can't quite put my finger on. Her friend has disappeared into the throng of people, along with Asher, and we're left sitting in what amounts to a dank, noisy, smoky basement where the best thing to look at is the bartender (she was hot, but kind of trashy at the same time). At this point, I was ready to get the hell out, go back home, and do ANYTHING else. It's bad when the only thing you can think about in a given situation is all the stuff you'd RATHER be doing. It was Rob's birthday, it was his show to call, but that was somehow overlooked along the way. I thought about how I wanted to spend my next birthday. The answer leapt to my mind with the utmost immediacy: LAN party.

The trains on the weekend around here run pitifully slow and infrequently, so it took us way too long to get home. I was a little cranky by then, and only had it in my to play one or two games of SOCOM II and go to bed. Then today I wake up with a migraine, possibly from the smoke and noise of the bar. Who knows.

So, I hate being a grown-up. Notice I haven't even mentioned my job in this post? The rest of the world is just so grating that I can't muster the energy to bitch about that. I'm resigning myself to chatting online and playing videogames. Those are really the only two things left I like doing anyway.

"True freedom is losing all hope."

Saturday, May 14, 2005

Awful Plastic Surgery

It kinda speaks for itself. Take look at what some people waste their time doing, and now you'll have to ponder whether I meant the people GETTING the surgery, or the tools who sit around devoting a web site to it.

Killing time

Just to take out some frustrations in the digital realm and NOT make national headlines, I renamed my bots in Unreal Tournament after politicians and celebrities that I despise or simply feel the world would be better off without. Bear in mind that this isn't an entirely negative experiment, since half the time these clowns are on MY side in any team-based venture like Capture the Flag.

So I'm playing Instagib the other day and found myself uttering something completely insane: "Clay Aiken is a god with the Shock Rifle!" Even on Average AI, that little bastard (who obviously was predisposed to the Shock Rifle to begin with) was keeping up with me in kills in Team Deathmatch. God damn.

So who are my bots portraying? Pretty much the entire Bush administration, most of the big tabloid-heavy celebrities these days, and a few ethnic and career-path slurs thrown in just to make the popup messages read funny. It's a feeling on par with playing Grand Theft Auto to read, "You have killed a total prostitute," or "Dick Cheney is on a killing spree!" How appropriate, dontcha think?

Sunday, May 08, 2005


Two new songs at the right for you to listen to. These are two all-time faves of mine, so show some respect. There's plenty more to come...


I have always felt--and always will feel--that Microsoft does not belong in the console gaming business. The Xbox is a piece of shit, it only has design-by-committee, me-too, try-too-hard-to-be-cool games that nobody cares about. I only know two people who even use an Xbox. One of them is the braindead type MS markets to, and the other tore apart his 'box, modded and tweaked it, and uses it as a bad-ass file server and media center. He owns maybe two games, and those are for his little girl.

Now Microsoft, in a desperate attempt to accomplish something and earn even a thimble of the gaming market come next-gen, has gone back to the marketing-to-the-idiot-masses drawing board and named their console Xbox360. Why not just 360 by itself? Brand recognition! The only retards who bought their last console would get confused about which piece of shit they were supposed to buy next time around.

So why 360? MS is billing it as some kind of "revolution"--a likely jab at the codename for Nintendo's upcoming platform (those marketing guys must shit platinum and fart genius!)--but what I really think is going on is the console numbering game, taken to the Xth power! OOH, FEEL IT, LITTLE GAMERS.

Sony kicked off the trend of sequelizing consoles by putting a 2 after the brand name PlayStation, which came from total obscurity and even some maturational doubt as to the name's implications to actually mean something in the late 1990s. Now they have the PS3 on the horizon and Microsoft realizes that as long as their number is SMALLER than Sony's, they'll always be behind. What's a crack team of marketing gurus to do? SKIP NUMBERS. 359 of them to be exact. They will make you think you are Ash at the end of Army of Darkness, taking drops from the MS teat that will put you into a rich slumber for the next 1,795 years. No no! Better yet, thru discoveries made via the development of their next shitty, world-controlling, utterly broken and hackable OS called Longhorn, they have the technology to travel thru time! Yeah, that's it! And they went to the year 3800 and brought back what MS was working on THEN. IN THE FUTURE. MICROSOFT IS THE FUTURE. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING YOU. Of course, those clever marketing guys will somehow dupe you into believing they did it all for you! Microsoft bent over and raped the space-time continuum so that YOU, dear gamer with pockets full of cash that we want, could amuse yourself and spend less time actually DOING something with your lives. Consumerism is a dish best served lukewarm and not too terribly self-aware.

Of course, then you'll get this piece of sultry silicon, a whirring machination of digital delight from the far right end of the timeline to your home, hook it up to your old-ass tv, and realize that in about 2000 years, games apparently haven't changed or improved that much.

They're idiots. I will continue to not buy their next console as I have not bought their current one. Microsoft, go back to committing white-collar crimes and leave entertainment alone. Stick to what you're good at, and videogames is not it.

Saturday, May 07, 2005

Because I like banging my head against the wall.

God bless Craiglist. I hadn't checked it out in a few weeks, and it gets flooded with new job postings almost every day. Today's batch of resumes went out to probably a half-dozen more places, including a few writing and/or editing jobs, a few of which are oriented around the adult entertainment industry. Yes, dear readers, I could be getting paid to review porn sites very soon. Remember this moment when either

a) I try to run for President and some asshole brings this up, or
b) I get rich and famous and you thought my prurient interests would never amount to anything.

If there's one thing I love and never get enough of (or any, for that matter), it's sex. Might as well find a way to make money with it. This could be the only way for me, since male prostitution doesn't seem too lucrative, and I have no idea how to bring my endowedness unto the porn industry. Hey, we all gotta start somewhere.