Sunday, May 08, 2005


I have always felt--and always will feel--that Microsoft does not belong in the console gaming business. The Xbox is a piece of shit, it only has design-by-committee, me-too, try-too-hard-to-be-cool games that nobody cares about. I only know two people who even use an Xbox. One of them is the braindead type MS markets to, and the other tore apart his 'box, modded and tweaked it, and uses it as a bad-ass file server and media center. He owns maybe two games, and those are for his little girl.

Now Microsoft, in a desperate attempt to accomplish something and earn even a thimble of the gaming market come next-gen, has gone back to the marketing-to-the-idiot-masses drawing board and named their console Xbox360. Why not just 360 by itself? Brand recognition! The only retards who bought their last console would get confused about which piece of shit they were supposed to buy next time around.

So why 360? MS is billing it as some kind of "revolution"--a likely jab at the codename for Nintendo's upcoming platform (those marketing guys must shit platinum and fart genius!)--but what I really think is going on is the console numbering game, taken to the Xth power! OOH, FEEL IT, LITTLE GAMERS.

Sony kicked off the trend of sequelizing consoles by putting a 2 after the brand name PlayStation, which came from total obscurity and even some maturational doubt as to the name's implications to actually mean something in the late 1990s. Now they have the PS3 on the horizon and Microsoft realizes that as long as their number is SMALLER than Sony's, they'll always be behind. What's a crack team of marketing gurus to do? SKIP NUMBERS. 359 of them to be exact. They will make you think you are Ash at the end of Army of Darkness, taking drops from the MS teat that will put you into a rich slumber for the next 1,795 years. No no! Better yet, thru discoveries made via the development of their next shitty, world-controlling, utterly broken and hackable OS called Longhorn, they have the technology to travel thru time! Yeah, that's it! And they went to the year 3800 and brought back what MS was working on THEN. IN THE FUTURE. MICROSOFT IS THE FUTURE. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING YOU. Of course, those clever marketing guys will somehow dupe you into believing they did it all for you! Microsoft bent over and raped the space-time continuum so that YOU, dear gamer with pockets full of cash that we want, could amuse yourself and spend less time actually DOING something with your lives. Consumerism is a dish best served lukewarm and not too terribly self-aware.

Of course, then you'll get this piece of sultry silicon, a whirring machination of digital delight from the far right end of the timeline to your home, hook it up to your old-ass tv, and realize that in about 2000 years, games apparently haven't changed or improved that much.

They're idiots. I will continue to not buy their next console as I have not bought their current one. Microsoft, go back to committing white-collar crimes and leave entertainment alone. Stick to what you're good at, and videogames is not it.

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