Tuesday, November 29, 2005

I am a god.


You scored as Sex God. You are a master at sex. You make your partner weak in the knees, and you know it. You've had the practice, and you've read the books, but don't get too cocky (pun intended) or you'll get put into place.

Sex God


95%

A Slave To BDSM


73%

A Romantic


68%

Virgin


38%

How are you in bed
created with QuizFarm.com

Sunday, November 20, 2005

A blogger who wants to be left alone

It seems to me that a huge part of the reason we people write shit on the internet is to get noticed and talk to other people. This seems especially true of a group-blog community mesh like myspace. So why the fuck does someone come on here and then rue the day that she gets friend invites? I mean, HELLOOOOOOO. Stupid. It's like taking ex-lax and being surprised an hour later when you have to take a dump.

People are morons.

And I don't make any presuppositions that anyone here reads this crap or gives two shits about it. It's just my little way of pointing the spotlight here and there, shining it on things that are worth your while, or trying to amuse you.

So, do the world a favor and make sure to send Jackie a friend invite. And while you're at it, leave her a message, too. I enjoy making people crazy, and so should you.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Dear Mike,

Yes, I know why you don't like consoles; YOU ARE TEH PURIZTS!!! But really, consoles are the place to be for sports, racing, and some sub-genres of the Action fold. Having a standardized controller for those things with analog precision (the keyboard won't work for EVERYTHING) is really nice. Plus, there are people who still get an erection for Mario and other licensed characters. Not ME, but, you know...people.

I get my old mascot fix via the old skool emulation route. Thus, a PC (or a modded Xbox, which IS a PC) is where to be. Same thing with the FPS genre. Mouse and keyboard beats the existing controller setups hands down. Now, if someone would listen to ME for a change, they would make a controller that has an analog stick on one side and a trackball on the other, a setup that would give the mouse-keyboard a run for its money. But no. They LOOOOVVVE convention.

Nintendo is always the one to blaze trails and make the big innovations (they first added shoulder buttons to a controller, the analog stick, tilt sensitivity, touch screen implementation, etc.), but their new controller might be a little TOO out of left field. It's like a wand/remote/tilt/light gun hybrid thingy that is just nuts. It's a little far from normal. We'll have to see how it pans out.

Make war, wage love.
Mark

P.S. This chick put up some funny gifs and avatars. I particularly like the "Hitler - Think Different" Apple one. Plus, her name is CUNTSNOT. How can you NOT like THAT?
http://www.livejournal.com/allpics.bml?user=cuntsnot

Friday, November 18, 2005

Lil Nat

As an above-average "stalker," it should be practically expected that I would find something like this:

http://www.natalieportman.com/picstemp/natalie8thgradeyearbook.JPG

Yes, that's our Nat P (bottom left, duh), listed with her real last name, which I guess isn't much of a secret anymore. So are you thinking what I'm thinking? Of course you are! I gotta find those other three kids and pump them for information about her. :)

Danielle

If you know what meat curtains are, click this and enjoy.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Sorry, anonymous

Due to the irritating volume of "anonymous" spam comments I've been getting, and considering no one else leaves any, I've disabled the ability to leave anonymous comments. That's fine since my fellow Blogspot people already have userIDs and nobody else opens their mouths on here anyway.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Demo disappointments

So this month's OPM comes with demos of Need for Speed: Most Wanted and King Kong. If these demos are to be believed, I weep for the future of gaming.

N-F-S must spell "gay" these days. The Hot Pursuit games did great things, including awesome two-player action, crazy jumps and shortcuts, and adding things like driving thru a forest fire. Then Underground came along, and I was enjoying my ability to ignore its utterly consumeristic vibe, but now that it's been fused with HP and resulted in Most Wanted, I have little interest left in this playable commercial of a franchise.

I've played the PC, Xbox, and PS2 demos of Most Wanted, and the console demos lack the few good things of this outing. The first is the ability to turn off the EA Trax. The fill-in instrumental track is awesome and pumps up the action more than the latest hip hop feces. The next horrendous omission is the free-for-all and roadblock running modes, featured prominently in the PC demo. In the former, you just run around the city evading traffic and an insane number of nutty cops. The roadblock run is similar but point-to-point, where you have to clear a number of roadblocks without getting snagged. The only included mode for the consoles is a shoddy checkpoint race that you'll probably never finish since the time constraints on each checkpoint are not forgiving for someone who's never played it before. Isn't that contradictory to the whole IDEA of a demo?

Moving on, all the King Kong previews had led me to believe that it'd be something like an open jungle where you tracked Kong and then tried to deal with him via your crew. Nope. Get ready for...CORRIDORS! And lots of scripted events! And nothing fun! The demo begins with you losing track of people, but you can't help but find them since there's only ONE way thru the jungle. Then you find them, and they run away screaming like pussies and order you to shoot the T-Rex while they fumble around trying to open a wooden door. They will not succeed and you will get eaten. Of course, you have a machine gun that could splinter the fucking door, but nevermind silly things like realism.

The other mode of the demo is Kong vs. T-Rex. Yawn. So since the T-Rex is so prominently featured in this game, why don't they call it Tyrannosaur? Makes a lot more sense to me, given what I've been shown thus far.

Ubisoft is turning into another EA, so they might as well give up the ghost and let themselves get bought by the king of the yearly update. Prince of Persia 3 looks pretty generic so far when held up against the gold that was Sands of Time. King Kong sounds like a snore. Splinter Cell 3 got screwed on the PS2, losing all the new multiplayer maps. There probably won't ever be another Beyond Good and Evil, so I suggest Ubi just quit while they're ahead.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Things ladies oughta know

Inspired by posts like this and this, I've decided to try and shed a little light on what makes us guys such a mystery to women. I dunno if I'll reach a Top 50 or anything. This is all spur of the moment. If anybody else has things to add that I miss, feel free to add them in the comments.

1. We do not view clothes the same way that women do. A shirt could be old and decrepit and awful to look at it, but DO NOT THROW IT AWAY. Our clothes are often times like a portable diary. They are memories. We know where we were when all sorts of stuff happened to us when we were wearing that shirt. Leave it alone. If you throw it out, you're erasing a piece of our past. Let the guy decide when he wants to let those memories go.

2. We do not try to match. We don't care whether our colors go together or if these are the right style of shoes for the pants we've got on. We just don't care. Ok, there are some men who pay attention to this stuff....they're called homosexuals.

3. We probably don't know how we smell, and won't take offense if you enlighten us. It's just not something we think about. We sometimes get confused about it since all these "studies" keep saying there are pheromones in sweat, and we think we're attracting you by coming home from the gym without showering.

4. We like books and movies and documentaries and videogames about WAR. Believe it or not, violence DOES solve a lot of problems, and as a species, we've gotten really creative with it. Let us bask.

5. Sometimes we don't want to talk about our feelings or whatever. We just need to kill and/or break something. This is where videogames come in so handy. A few rounds of Unreal Tournament can totally brighten my day, and saves money on counseling. Ladies, if we're screaming "OH YOU LIKE THAT PUSSYFACE??!!!" at the computer or tv, don't worry. Let the healing happen.

6. We like our cars. Do not rail us into the minivan/station wagon era prematurely. Some of us know more than others about how to fix them, but we all like to think we know something. Thus, we WILL stare at it when something is wrong in the hopes of actually figuring it out. It's a feeling of accomplishment, of discovery, of winning and not having to take it to that repair guy and paying for something we're convinced we could have solved on our own if you'd have given us more time.

7. We like most kinda of electronic gizmos. They help us conquer, manipulate, and come to terms with our world.

8. We like to take things apart. We are curious, and face it: if not for us, you wouldn't have cars or houses or jet planes or anything else that involved building or designing something that gets dirty in its recesses.

9. We do not want to try whatever random recipe you dug up this week. Take no offense; you're a lovely woman and a wonderful cook. But we know what we like, and we stick to what works. Why go and ruin all that acquired experience?

10. If you say you are fine or everything's ok, expect us to act literally upon that information. If you show no signs of distress and don't TELL US something's wrong, chances are we'll go about our business, tending to things that DO show signs of trouble. We've got enough to worry about without trying to decide whether or not "I'm fine" means "I'm fine" or "Why won't you die already?"

11. We adore breasts, and there's nothing we can do about it. Do not blame us for being curious, but rather appreciate that we're so adoring of your body. It's still a part of YOU.

12. This one might just be me, but I never get tired of going down on a girl. I take great pleasure in nuzzling that nookie and making a girl weak in the knees. The more turned on she gets, the more she wants. And then it rocks for everyone involved.

13. No matter how beautiful you are, we will still look at other girls, but not in a comparative or competitive way. They're just there. We know you're looking at guys, and we don't care. We'll keep our mouths shut about whose hot and who's not, so just let it go.

14. Odds are, whatever you think is a catastrophe isn't nearly as dramatic as you think, and we will not share your enthusiasm. We don't care if a sale ended before you got your 394th pair of shoes. The only time we'll be upset if you missed a sale is one at Victoria's Secret.

15. Mud/pudding/Jello wrestling rules.

16. Odds are, we do not want to dance when asked. If we do, it's to make you happy, and we expect reciprocity. For instance, if we have to endure the latest boy-band drivel, our hands WILL be wandering. Allow it.

17. We don't expect you to like sports or action movies any more than we like Lifetime, HGTV, or the movie Beaches. Let us simply accept these differences and not try to indoctrinate one another to our respective interests. Who wants to be with someone just like themselves anyway?

18. Yes, there are many videogames that will not appeal to you, but I'd wager I know of a few you will actually enjoy, whether you admit it or not. Names like "Mean Bean Machine" and "Cookie & Cream" hold a certain fondness in the hearts of several ladies I know.

19. We do not have to be going anywhere or doing anything to be content. We are easily amused. Just look at the success of The Man Show and Beavis & Butthead.

20. Hugh Hefner is a god, and we all want to be him. Accept it.

21. Sometimes we will hang out with the guys. Without you. And you will hang with your girls. Without us. These instances do not mean one of us does not care for the other.

22. Getting you drunk isn't always a means to an end, nor does it mean that we're up to no good. Sometimes a drunk girl is just funny. If you end up topless and/or incredibly horny, well, everybody wins.

More to come.....

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Another meaningful chat with Derek

[08:20] lillesthottboy06: get on so we can play ass
[08:37] Prime01010: i only get on your mom
[08:37] lillesthottboy06: k
[08:38] lillesthottboy06: well does that mean we are gonna play unreal tourney?
[08:38] Prime01010: no
[08:38] Prime01010: i just worked all night. ass.
[08:38] lillesthottboy06: hahahahaha
[08:38] lillesthottboy06: work
[08:38] lillesthottboy06: i dont kno wat that word means
[08:38] Prime01010: are you always this bitchy? bitch?
[08:38] lillesthottboy06: haha im not bitchy
[08:39] lillesthottboy06: well go to sleep
[08:39] Prime01010: ok. ass.
[08:39] lillesthottboy06: haha
[08:39] lillesthottboy06: later
[08:39] Prime01010: tell your mom i'll be right over.

O, Internet. Where art thou?

WTF? I can't get into any of the following today at all. You try:

AOL.com
CNN.com
Google.com
Gmail.com

Probably some others, too, but this site and all the pretty lady sites on the web seem to be working ok. I know it's Veteran's Day and all, but I thought only the banks shut down for the day. Everybody else, GET BACK TO WORK!!

Friday, November 11, 2005

What a great awful night

I've had a migraine all night, which wouldn't normally be a problem cuz I'd be sleeping. Working third shift, tho, makes it a whole other ballgame. Yuxorz.

If there's one thing I hate, it's when I try to help someone out and they just bitch about what I do or how I'm doing it. I've gotten a good bit of that lately, and I'm ready to say FUCK YOU to the person mainly responsible. I've never seen a grown man act like such a baby, but apparently he's been like this his whole life, stomping around slamming doors when he doesn't get his way. Fucking hell.

I've been stomping around in War of the Monsters (PS2) lately. Pretty fun. I finally earned the 400,000 credits I needed to unlock Raptros and Zorgulon or whatever their names are. I can't say they're really worth it, which is probably why the game insists that you save right when you pay for them before you get to see them in action. Raptros is a lot like Preytor, and I don't like him anyway, so meh. Zorgulon is that brain guy you fight at the end, and I don't much like him either. What a way to blow 400k in credits when I could have been unlocking new areas to destroy or new minigames. Oh well. Guess I'll just have to keep whomping away in Endurance mode. It's by far the easiest and least frustrating way to get credits. The Adventure mode is just frustrating. If you ever feel like flattening a city, Rampage style, while pounding the crap out of another big monster (or three), check out War of the Monsters. It's pretty damn good. BTW, it's by those guys behind Warhawk, Twisted Metal Black, and God of War, if that motivates you at all.

The Long Kiss Goodnight was on tv tonight. Good flick, but I had to keep turning down the volume to keep from aggravating my throbbing skull.

I found a couple of really awesome gals on MySpace tonite, too, but wouldn'tcha know it, as soon as I go to send 'em a message or an invite, the site shuts down for maintenance. And why is it that all the best people for me end up living a million miles away?

And my seester sent me quite an unexpected gift. Apparently her job has been good to her and her fam this year and they wanted to spread the love around. If she's reading this, KEEP IT COMING! :) I've got rent to pay!

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Not There

This is probably making the rounds anyway, but it's worth watching again.

http://69.31.93.156/NotThere.mov

Thank you, Mr. Bush. Now please get us the fuck out of this war. Then go fall in a really deep hole and stay there.

Dear advertisers of the Internet

Just FYI, I will not ever, in this or any lifetime, click on anything you advertise to me through a popup window. In fact, I make it a point NOT to pay attention to these intrusive, bothersome methods of force-feeding me your waste products. Even if there's a naked chick with big bouncy boobs in your ad who speaks to me BY NAME and is begging to have sex with me, I will not click on your popup ads. Ever. Get the picture?

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Factories making penes?

Yes folks, it may be true...at least in the deranged imagination of a woman reading from a porn script:

"Evew since I stawted sticking things in my pussy as a little giwl I have not been satisfied. My holes could always take mowe. My owgasms wewe not complete. Thewe was a spot, way up in thewe, that needed to be weached. Needed to be pwobed. Fucked. What was it? Whewe was my dweam lovew? Lately, my dweams have become mowe vague. Like visions. I see factowies making penises. Penises designed for pleasuwe."

"Maybe it was a show I saw on late night or something. A giant penis, called King Dong. But it wasn't weal. Why was I having these visions? Oh, God, please give me something huge to put up me to make these visions stop! Give me the owgasm that I crave!"

See more in the laugh-tastic Horrors of Porn review here:

http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=3325

Table of Contents

So I'm reading Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk, and it's suitably awesome so far. The crux of the tale is the retelling in third person of the life story of this totally self-absorbed, me me me model bitch. And as I'm reading, the following dawns on me:

If I or someone else were to write my life story into a book, what would the table of contents look like?

This question begs several considerations. For one, do you order things chronologically, or by importance in the overall scheme of things, organized for maximum reader interest and/or climax in the story arc? For another, what have you DONE in your life that would be noteworthy enough to have a heading or chapter devoted unto it?

Womanizers could outline their life as a series of women they nailed. Pet owners could classify the elements of their existence by the quantity, quality, and order of the pets that they had. You could list jobs, family, income fluctuations, places you lived, cars you owned, parallel it to technological or medical advancements, sort it by when you started/stopped liking certain types of foods, movies, music, or people. Shit, this could go on and on.

So I ask you, dear readers, to leave here in my comment box, some sort of outline for YOUR life while I ponder how the hell I'd put together my own. What are the ingredients of your personality, your character, your life?

Friday, November 04, 2005

This makes sense.

More parallels between the 3Shitty and the Dreamcast:

http://www.1up.com/do/feature?cId=3145154&did=1

Cool. I didn't want one anyway.

Munkey

You Are A: Monkey!

monkeyMonkeys are intelligent and agile, well-adapted for jungle life as they swing happily from tree to tree. As a monkey, you are a social animal who is quick to learn new things and loves to climb. A monkey's tiny primate features are irresistable, as is his gregarious personality!

You were almost a: Kitten or a Frog
You are least like a: Bunny or a SquirrelDiscover What Cute Animal You Are!

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Lowtax speaks

If you know anything about Internet communities, SomethingAwful.com, the dot-com boom/bust, or like things that are funny and have 90 minutes to kill, go here, download the movie, and watch:

http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=3318

It's not JAM-packed with laughs, but I enjoyed the hell out of it. Then again, I go to SomethingAwful.com pretty regularly (and so should you).

After that, go to http://www.mega64.com/ to see videos of people acting out games in real life in stupid ways.