Sunday, November 13, 2005

Things ladies oughta know

Inspired by posts like this and this, I've decided to try and shed a little light on what makes us guys such a mystery to women. I dunno if I'll reach a Top 50 or anything. This is all spur of the moment. If anybody else has things to add that I miss, feel free to add them in the comments.

1. We do not view clothes the same way that women do. A shirt could be old and decrepit and awful to look at it, but DO NOT THROW IT AWAY. Our clothes are often times like a portable diary. They are memories. We know where we were when all sorts of stuff happened to us when we were wearing that shirt. Leave it alone. If you throw it out, you're erasing a piece of our past. Let the guy decide when he wants to let those memories go.

2. We do not try to match. We don't care whether our colors go together or if these are the right style of shoes for the pants we've got on. We just don't care. Ok, there are some men who pay attention to this stuff....they're called homosexuals.

3. We probably don't know how we smell, and won't take offense if you enlighten us. It's just not something we think about. We sometimes get confused about it since all these "studies" keep saying there are pheromones in sweat, and we think we're attracting you by coming home from the gym without showering.

4. We like books and movies and documentaries and videogames about WAR. Believe it or not, violence DOES solve a lot of problems, and as a species, we've gotten really creative with it. Let us bask.

5. Sometimes we don't want to talk about our feelings or whatever. We just need to kill and/or break something. This is where videogames come in so handy. A few rounds of Unreal Tournament can totally brighten my day, and saves money on counseling. Ladies, if we're screaming "OH YOU LIKE THAT PUSSYFACE??!!!" at the computer or tv, don't worry. Let the healing happen.

6. We like our cars. Do not rail us into the minivan/station wagon era prematurely. Some of us know more than others about how to fix them, but we all like to think we know something. Thus, we WILL stare at it when something is wrong in the hopes of actually figuring it out. It's a feeling of accomplishment, of discovery, of winning and not having to take it to that repair guy and paying for something we're convinced we could have solved on our own if you'd have given us more time.

7. We like most kinda of electronic gizmos. They help us conquer, manipulate, and come to terms with our world.

8. We like to take things apart. We are curious, and face it: if not for us, you wouldn't have cars or houses or jet planes or anything else that involved building or designing something that gets dirty in its recesses.

9. We do not want to try whatever random recipe you dug up this week. Take no offense; you're a lovely woman and a wonderful cook. But we know what we like, and we stick to what works. Why go and ruin all that acquired experience?

10. If you say you are fine or everything's ok, expect us to act literally upon that information. If you show no signs of distress and don't TELL US something's wrong, chances are we'll go about our business, tending to things that DO show signs of trouble. We've got enough to worry about without trying to decide whether or not "I'm fine" means "I'm fine" or "Why won't you die already?"

11. We adore breasts, and there's nothing we can do about it. Do not blame us for being curious, but rather appreciate that we're so adoring of your body. It's still a part of YOU.

12. This one might just be me, but I never get tired of going down on a girl. I take great pleasure in nuzzling that nookie and making a girl weak in the knees. The more turned on she gets, the more she wants. And then it rocks for everyone involved.

13. No matter how beautiful you are, we will still look at other girls, but not in a comparative or competitive way. They're just there. We know you're looking at guys, and we don't care. We'll keep our mouths shut about whose hot and who's not, so just let it go.

14. Odds are, whatever you think is a catastrophe isn't nearly as dramatic as you think, and we will not share your enthusiasm. We don't care if a sale ended before you got your 394th pair of shoes. The only time we'll be upset if you missed a sale is one at Victoria's Secret.

15. Mud/pudding/Jello wrestling rules.

16. Odds are, we do not want to dance when asked. If we do, it's to make you happy, and we expect reciprocity. For instance, if we have to endure the latest boy-band drivel, our hands WILL be wandering. Allow it.

17. We don't expect you to like sports or action movies any more than we like Lifetime, HGTV, or the movie Beaches. Let us simply accept these differences and not try to indoctrinate one another to our respective interests. Who wants to be with someone just like themselves anyway?

18. Yes, there are many videogames that will not appeal to you, but I'd wager I know of a few you will actually enjoy, whether you admit it or not. Names like "Mean Bean Machine" and "Cookie & Cream" hold a certain fondness in the hearts of several ladies I know.

19. We do not have to be going anywhere or doing anything to be content. We are easily amused. Just look at the success of The Man Show and Beavis & Butthead.

20. Hugh Hefner is a god, and we all want to be him. Accept it.

21. Sometimes we will hang out with the guys. Without you. And you will hang with your girls. Without us. These instances do not mean one of us does not care for the other.

22. Getting you drunk isn't always a means to an end, nor does it mean that we're up to no good. Sometimes a drunk girl is just funny. If you end up topless and/or incredibly horny, well, everybody wins.

More to come.....

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