Saturday, December 31, 2005

Apologies

Sorry about the volume of profanity in yesterday's post. I tend to feel disappointed by people who rely on bad words and phrases like "ya know?" to make their point. It was a rant, but I could have done better. Hope I haven't turned any readers off!

And to Elvira, it's good to know there are some other sane people out there. I'll be in NYC over the weekend to see that big ball drop and lots of people freezing their buns off. What plans do you have?

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Pardon my French....

...but FUCKING MOTHERFUCKER.

There, I feel slightly better.

Here's a little outline of my day:

1. Get up at 7am to finish work I started at 10pm the night before.

2. Get confused by some guy in Iraq trying to buy job postings (from Monster.com, where I work) by faking a company that supposedly exists either in Ohio or Michigan. So I send him an email to call and verify his shit. I put notes in our system that point out that he'd better have a good story to back up his purchase and fucked up contact info.

3. I get labeled a racist for what happened in #2.

4. I find out that the Russian matriarch who moved in here a month or so ago is now trying to throw out everybody she doesn't want around, including me, two other adults, an 8-year-old girl, and a 4-month-old baby. Compassionate, those Red bastards.

Let's go back to #3 for a moment. Now, I'm a simple kinda guy who thinks most people have, at the very least, the capacity to NOT be an oversensitive asshole. Of course, I'm wrong 99% of the time. Somebody on the internal fraud task force mailing list read my notes and instead of seeing that I wanted a good explanation due to their completely nonsensical and unverifiable contact information, they dreamt me up as someone who hates brown people.

I can't even be sure which race I supposedly loathe, since the guy's IP address resolved to "Palestine Occupied Territories," hailed from Iraq, and somebody else told me he was from Pakistan. So who, exactly, am I supposed to be slighting here? I sure as fuck don't know, because I'm not a racist asshole, unlike the stupid motherfucker who labeled me. And yes, I think people who are overly sensitive to racial slurs are themselves being racist by continuing to identify themselves as "special" or "different." Fuck you. Fuck all of you.

Call me cracker, honky, Wonderbread, flat ass; I don't care. You can tell me all about how you want to fuck my mother. I don't care. I'm not a crybaby bitch like this anonymous wannabe whistleblower.

Let me take you back to 1998 to shed a little light on why this pisses me off. I was hired at Suncoast Motion Picture Company as an Assistant Manager, right off the salesfloor since I shopped there several times a week. What I didn't know--and what my dickhead manager couldn't be honest about and just TELL me--was that I was only temporary, to fill in while he and the other senior staff took their vacation time. I could at least start looking for another job in the meantime. But that's not the best part! When all that was taken care of, he intentionally manipulated register counts to make it look like money disappeared on my shift, and point the finger at me, even though A) there were a minimum of two other people in the drawer at the same exact times, and B) the overages and shortages actually came up to a wash. They evened out. No money was missing. What's more, fucking shitcock Phil Lyon brings in some supposed "investigator" guy to grill me for two hours about the money problems. First of all, the paperwork proved me innocent. Secondly, I was working nights at that time for a major amusement park in their finance department, counting several hundred thousand dollars every night. If I wanted to snag an extra $20 (which I didn't), it would have actually been easier to get away with there, and I could have gotten a lot more.

But, in the face of obvious facts, they presist in labeling me a thief and a poor worker. The truth was they just wanted me to not work there anymore, but they just COULDN'T be honest about it. Oh no! They have to be a bunch of fuckwads and employ character assassination, spread lies about me to the other staff members (that I just walked out during my shift; look up Brad Walk to get verification of this as bullshit), and do everything in their power to defile my good name. This is the one thing I really, REALLY can't stand. It's the kind of thing that gets my blood pressure up, that makes me want to go break something or someone.

Back to today, calling me a racist is not only an insult to my character and personality, but it's just plain stupid. My last girlfriend was Hispanic. I've had friends from Cuba, India, Portugal, England, the Czech Republic....blacks, whites, hispanics, orientals, indians, gays, straights, lesbians.....why would I befriend all of these people if I have such pent up disdain for people unlike myself? I know, I know....the prick who accused me doesn't know any of this. Doesn't know me. Couldn't be bothered to make an inquiry before slinging accusations. Why get to know someone when you can just label them something awful with so much less effort?

What's more, me and a few of my coworkers are pretty sure we know who it is. This person has defended every stupid mistake our outsourcing Indian buddies have made, because "this person" was involved in their training and believes that if you say something against them, you're saying it against "that person." I they feel threatened by the presence of people who actually work for a living. Are we the replacements? Does that scare them? Cards have been shuffled all over the table lately, employment-wise. Nothing would surprise me at this point, including finding out that I'm being let go for writing this here post. Fine. Whatever. I will NOT stand by and wait for a false accusation to stick.

The same thing happened to my mom a few years ago. She's been a foster parent for many years now (more than I can remember), and when one of the kids started coming to school with a bruise here and there (because he PLAYED OUTSIDE, god forbid), some fucker started slinging accusations of abuse. It's a much more complicated story than I care to get into here, but it's all bullshit. My mom is a fucking saint, through and through. I lived there, and if anything was going on, I would have put a stop to it myself. But, she sat back and let these "unsubstantiated allegations" stick and did nothing to clear her name. This happened at least twice in different circumstances, and I just watched her more and more adopt a "can't-do" attitude about it, her reputation come into question, and eventually get offered only the most high-risk cases.

By the way, those of you with rose-colored glasses who think foster parenting is all fun and games, you need whacked in the head with a board. It's not pleasant letting the future felons of America live in your house with you. Sure, there are mentally and physically handicapped kids who pose numerous individual challenges of their own, but don't make it out to be some piece of cake thing. Raising any kid is a chore, let alone ones you had no hand in shaping, dropped on your doorstep with all sorts of fucked up morals and expectations of the world.

Now, where was I....ah yes. I couldn't stand watching her do nothing when her reputation came into question, and can't allow myself to do what she did. I'm going to make some fucking noise while I'm still on this planet, and I'll rattle my saber to set the record straight whenever I have to. Consider it rattled. I am NOT a racist, a thief, or an apathetic layabout. Got it? MAN this pisses me off.

And leave some goddamn comments, people!!

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

About a girl

If you read the post the other day, you already know there are some factors that make this situation tough. What you don't know is that none of them concern me as much as one I didn't mention: another girl.

If she finds her way here and reads this, it'll probably solve the whole problem itself, but, mom always said "Honesty is the best policy," and besides, she actually told me to do it (see someone else).

Shit, I might as well start at the beginning.

Ok, so it's May 2005 and I've got my eye on the lady (who shall be known as B) in the aforementioned post. She's a pretty face at the office and a bit of a mystery to me. We'd talked a bit at the company party (a pitcher of beer broke her shyness quite a bit) and started chit chatting at the office, but that was it. I get wind from my uncle that he's having a big get-together in Tallahassee, FL. For the better part of the year to this point, I've been chatting off and on with someone else (shall be known as S) and getting on really well. But still, it was a casual interest as we'd had no opportunity to meet in person. The partay in FL changes that, as she lives between me and there, and actually grew up in Tallahassee. I email her an invite, expecting the odds are against it. She replies. She can make it. All is right with the world.

I jump in the car on Friday morning and set out from NYC for Myrtle Beach (my first stop on the journey). All I can think about is the road ahead, the thousands of miles I'd be driving in the next three days, who I'd be meeting when I got to Florida, and what it would all mean at the end of the trip. I make SC in decent time and crash for the night at a friend's place.

The next day I get an oil change and set out for the next leg: Myrtle Beach to Tallahassee. Again, more than anything else, I'm fueled by the excitement that, in less than 12 hours, I'd meet this mystery girl from a chat-land far away, and get to see my uncle revelling in memories and faces of yesteryear.

I hit Tallahassee right on time, around dinnertime. I see a horrible car accident that's delaying traffic a bit, get around it, find the hotel, and start to feel at home. All the while, I'm getting more pumped up. I then go to the place where the party is about to happen, talk to Tommy (my uncle), get a key, head back to the hotel, and start cleaning up for whatever was to come of this night.

Actually, no. I talked to S and she was headed to the hotel to meet with me and go to the party, but wasn't sure when she'd arrive. Thus, I couldn't rightly jump in the shower in case she showed up right then. So I get out the laptop and start busting heads in Unreal Tournament 2003 until there's a knock. I hadn't showered in two days of driving and sitting in the sun at this point. I was ripe. Rotten, perhaps. I hear a knock. I open the door and see a body I couldn't believe existed, but in the John Wayne stoic tradition, I didn't let on that I was floored by her very presence. I also kept my distance because I knew I smelled something fierce. I showed her in, got her settled, then desperately needed a shower.

Skip ahead, we go to the party. We talk, walk, sit by a lake and talk some more. I can't take my eyes off of her. Imagine the body of a model with the brains of.....I don't know, somebody who has two MAs (Philosophy and English Lit) and is working on yet another BA (Multimedia Design), since she is. She's the kind of anomaly that mom never warned me about. So I'm smitten. We stayed out late, danced a bit, and took a good liking to one another. A great time was had by all.

I went to sleep shortly before sunrise and had to be on the road by 7am to make my timetable. It was fucked up, but I was riding high from what an amazing night I'd had. I was debating stopping off somewhere in between again, but instead made the whole drive from Tallahassee, FL back to NY, NY in about 17 straight hours. It was nuts. She was on my mind the whole time.

So I get home and still have Monday off of work since I didn't expect to be home yet. Monday morning, my phone rings with an unknown number. I answer, and don't recognize the voice. Blame it on a then-unfamiliar Ecuadorian accent. It was B. She was calling to see how I was and whether I'd made it back safely. So just when I think things can't get any better, someone ELSE takes an interest in me.

Skip ahead about a month, and B and I are seeing each other every day at work, taking long walks around Manhattan in the evening, and really starting to dig each other. I still hear from S periodically, but she's dodging a jealous soon-to-be ex (he's officially an ex now, but wasn't at that point), and was walking on eggs. Things were really stressful for her, and I wanted to be there for her, in any capacity. I did what I could. We inevitably started aching to see each other again, and tried to find some logistics that would work, but nothing prevailed. We just kept that glimmer alive.

At this point, you're probably starting to think I'm a shit, stringing along two people at a time. That's not it at all, but you'll probably call BS in the face of my intentions. One was HERE, someone I could see every day. The other was distant but still needed me, and I wanted to help as an emotional support, if that's all I could be. We began to talk about the reality of the situation. S was still in a doomed relationship and didn't think it was fair to tell me to stay single for her sake. She had a point, but at the same time, there was a part of me that said, "You being single gives her hope." So I kept quiet about the person I was sort of dating at the time, totally unsure of where it was going. Why bring it up if you don't know where it's headed? Bear in mind that at least once a month, B tried to break it off with me, despite having so much fun together.

One time she tried to break it off due to her belief (cultural, I'm sure) that the man should be older in the relationship. She was 36; I was 28. Several odd events occurred that day (fate, maybe?) to show her what a silly reason that was to split up. Other reasons were a little more flimsy (she couldn't bear the intra-office gossip; apparently some other ladies wanted me but couldn't be bothered to say anything?), but they all were thinly veiled efforts to get at what I assume was her own fear of being happy and/or letting a man back into her life. I showed her how silly they all were and fought to stick with her. I was having a great time, and obviously so was she. Why just stop seeing one another?

She was bringing me food at work, cooked for me whenever I went to her place...I started thinking about Clerks, wherein Silent Bob reminds Dante that, "There are a lot of fine-lookin' women in the world; how many of them will bring you food at work?" Man's got a point. Things were really good.

Skip ahead to August. I tell her I have to leave for a while because I was broke and burned out on NYC, but I wanted to see her again. In essence, as the Governator would say, "I'll be back." My next move back home to Ohio, an utterly depressing trip by many standards, and I saw myself go $1200 further into debt trying to get on my feet back in my hometown. So I left again.

Now I'm up in Massachusetts, four hours from the girl who wanted to end it, and 11 hours away from the one with whom I've barely started. But she's not available in a practical sense. Still working away on a degree that won't wrap up till 2007, and even then, I start to wonder if she'd have time in her busy life for me, and how long it would take her to get bored with me. On the other hand, she's a great conversationalist and knows my native tongue as nit-picky well as I do. Definitely a plus. Compare that to the language barrier between me and a native Ecuadorian. Sure, it's kinda fun to learn some new Spanish every day, but would that grow tired when I wanted to really express myself about something and she just couldn't understand me?

Neither situation is perfect, but I'd be a lucky fool to be with either. When confronted with the possibility of getting booted out of my living arrangement here in Mass, my first thought was to go back to NYC. It'd be a short and fairly easy move, back into a place with good friends and the busiest city in the world at my doorstep. I may or may not be able to get B back. It has been three months since we called it quits. I still think about her a lot, but who knows if it's mutual. She specifically requested I not email her, so if I were gonna try to get back with her, it'd have to be some flowery public display of affection. No worries there. I've already got several ideas. But SHOULD I? Chances are I'll never be able to afford to live in NYC permanently, and she won't want to leave, so the whole notion seems stillborn.

On the other hand, moving 11 hours to be with someone I've spent all of one day with seems a little silly, too. The interest is there, sure. But if she can't stop analyzing life long enough to just live it and enjoy it, that's a life unlived. Sometimes intellect is a weakness.

These things (relationships) always attack me in pairs, and the contenders are always so evenly matched. I guess it gives me something to do, at least. And you have something REAL to read for a change.

I encourage your thoughts, dear readers.

Those crazy brits

It seems that my interest in Nat has slipped a bit, likely to be reinvigorated whenever V for Vendetta reaches these shores. Lately I've been all about the British lasses. If it's not Keira Knightley, it's Rachel Weisz. And now I have to throw Keeley Hazell into the mix. I'd really be completely satisfied with any one of them, but the view from afar is all a man can expect, I suppose.

In other news, I'm doing an experiment in NHL 2K3. I had two-line passes and offsides turned off for a few games, and the scores got ridiculous (a lot like the current NHL that got rid of the two-line pass violation). Now they're back on, and I predict scores will fall. So far, so good; a little over halfway thru the second period and it's only 3-1, SJ vs. Dallas. That's a far cry from the 12-3 blowout SJ had vs. Philly last game.

Film at eleven....

Sunday, December 25, 2005

More fun with Mike F.

[23:37] Mike F: Sup fool
[23:37] Me: YO MOMMA
[23:37] Mike F: trashcan man
[23:38] Me: yeah. werd.
[23:38] Mike F: are you working right now?
[23:38] Me: nah
[23:38] Mike F: Oh
[23:38] Me: that comes pater
[23:39] Me: *later
[23:39] Mike F: I thought when you were on here you were workin
[23:40] Me: naw
[23:41] Me: so, about that Russian chick in my dream......thoughts?
[23:42] Mike F: Pretty weird. I think you should make a story out of it though.
[23:42] Me: ok. where do i start.
[23:43] Mike F: http://hitman.us/main.html
[23:43] Mike F: Not there.
[23:43] Me: noice
[23:43] Mike F: Just write the dream, expound on stuff to fill in the cracks, voila
[23:44] Me: oh yeah
[23:44] Me: see, you're better at this than i am
[23:44] Mike F: I mean the email you sent had a pretty good place to start right there. Are you going to include the fact that it was a dream?
[23:45] Mike F: OH! SOMEBODY WHOSE BRAIN COMES TO CONCLUSIONS WHILE HE'S ASLEEP!
[23:45] Mike F: Has that been done?
[23:45] Me: uhhh, i know there was Jump to Conclusions mat in Office Space
[23:46] Mike F: Not the same ;)
[23:47] Me: Dood, what IS up with that hitman site?
[23:47] Me: if i send them my name, they prolly send me the police.
[23:47] Mike F: harhar
[23:47] Mike F: I'm pretty sure a hitman place wouldn't have frickin banners all over.
[23:48] Me: why not. we all need sponsors.
[23:49] Me: SO. how goes the armor plating business?
[23:49] Mike F: silly sillt
[23:50] Mike F: Eh, it's on the back burner for now. I made a bracelet for the girl I'm dating, turned out a-pretty-pretty nice.
[23:50] Mike F: Smallest work I've done to date.
[23:50] Mike F:
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?
ViewItem&item=8241737934
[23:51] Me: you're DATING? a GIRL? call Guiness
[23:51] Mike F: HOLY CRAPOLA
[23:52] Me: where do you FIND this shit?
[23:52] Me: dildo cozies?
[23:52] Me: really now
[23:52] Mike F: Look at this crap.
[23:52] Mike F:
http://cgi.ebay.com/Raccoon-Penis-Bones-
Swizzle-Sticks-etc_W0QQitemZ7206013025QQ
categoryZ22702QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem
[23:53] Mike F: PENIS BONES OMGWTFBBQ
[23:53] Me: so, the question stands. where DO you find this crap?
[23:53] Mike F: www.fazed.net It's in one of the forum discussions about Ebay auctions or something.
[23:54] Mike F: Find it go go go
[23:55] Me: no
[23:55] Me: I WILL NOT
[23:55] Me: YOU CAN'T MAKE ME
[23:55] Mike F: ...ok
[23:55] Mike F: *whimpers*
[23:56] Mike F: My boss gave me a recipe for rum balls today.
[23:58] Me: bonus
[23:58] Me: how goes the deli ninja bizness
[23:58] Mike F: good, good can't complain except for today.
[23:58] Me: is that where you met your ho?
[23:59] Mike F: CASE IN POINT: If it's late at night and you think the store down the road *might* be closed do you a) maybe wait until tomorrow or 2) fuckit go anyway?
[23:59] Mike F: no I met her at college
[23:59] Mike F: She's *30*
[23:59] Mike F: You believe that?
[23:59] Me: how old are you again?
[23:59] Mike F: 24
[23:59] Mike F: You believe that?
[23:59] Me: sort of
[00:00] Me: i'm 28 and was dating a 37-yr-old in NYC
[00:00] Me: and she was HOT
[00:01] Mike F: what would you do in the above situations?
[00:01] Me: go to the store. pussy.
[00:01] Mike F: screw you.
[00:01] Me: what
[00:01] Me: you asked
[00:01] Mike F: People need to shop at NORMAL TIMES.
[00:01] Mike F: Frickin comin in my store at 1 minute til 9 asking me for messy roast beef on a slicer I just cleaned.
[00:02] Mike F: GIMME A BREAK
[00:02] Mike F: PUNCH TO THE UTERUS
[00:02] Me: no, we need more 24-hr stores
[00:02] Mike F: This one shuts down at 10
[00:02] Mike F: Deli at 9
[00:02] Me: well, a deli should close. but like a grocery store should stay open.
[00:02] Me: a nigga gets hungry at night
[00:02] Mike F: It used to be 24 hour but that was just the grocery portion. I don't think there are *any* such places that have all departments open all hours.
[00:02] Mike F: No these honkies wait until the last minute.
[00:03] Mike F: They's gonna git they ass kilt.
[00:03] Mike F: brah
[00:03] Mike F: knawmsayin?
[00:04] Me: sure. is it thugland where you at?
[00:04] Mike F: yeeah boyee racooneyez yo hometown brah.
[00:05] Mike F: I'm in a weird mood
[00:05] Mike F: can you tell?
[00:05] Me: i dunno, seems pretty normal to me
[00:05] Mike F: Oh ok
[00:06] Me: we're watching the Penn and Teller Bullshit about the bible
[00:06] Mike F: hehe
[00:06] Mike F: I like them. I saw the one about fortune tellers or something.
[00:07] Mike F:
http://www.flurl.com/uploaded/porn_blooper_18336.html
[00:08] Me: nice
[00:08] Mike F: bukkakemasu
[00:08] Mike F: GLURT
[00:08] Me: i saw a really long drawn out bukkake.
[00:08] Me: i'm like "eww"
[00:08] Mike F: where/when
[00:08] Mike F: It wasn't at your place was it?
[00:08] Me: on tha INTARWEB duh
[00:08] Mike F: THAT STUFF DOESN'T COME OUT oh
[00:11] Mike F:
http://spaces.msn.com/members/kortan/Blog/
cns!1p76EWxKIxbeOFyC2-40D4rA!279.entry
[00:14] Mike F: whatever, something stupid
[00:15] Me: so how is Zaxxon 2006 coming?
[00:15] Mike F: Nicely. I have the flight down and I'm trying to make a small model maing program to make that a little easier. Did I tell you about that yet?
[00:16] Me: no.
[00:18] Mike F: And I'm not entirely sure I want the ship to be able to turn. It's too difficult to figure out how to "see through" terrain or buildings that are in front of the camera. And I don't want the ship to be able to hide behind anything. So it'll probably be just one direction.
[00:18] Mike F: Definitely cuts down on the amount of wowee things but I can put that in other games.
[00:19] Me: surprise me
[00:19] Me: with gameplay
[00:19] Mike F: gameplay = plot or gameplay = hard to beat?
[00:20] Me: = controls well and feels natural to play
[00:20] Mike F: ok
[00:20] Mike F: You've played the original zaxxon though right?
[00:20] Me: yeah
[00:21] Mike F: It'll be like that
[00:21] Mike F: probably you can fly around and get powerups from dead ships or some things on the ground that you shoot.
[00:21] Mike F: You ever played raptor?
[00:21] Me: not that i recall
[00:22] Mike F: that was just a top down scrolling shooter.
[00:22] Mike F: I gotta simplify this game or I'll be working on it forever.
[00:22] Me: well duh
[00:22] Me: i'm just sayin, when i push up, i want it to go up right away.
[00:22] Mike F: ok
[00:22] Mike F: no gradual stuff?
[00:23] Me: well, sure
[00:23] Mike F: cuz it does
[00:23] Me: but there are games that feel "clunky"
[00:23] Me: cuz the controls aren't responsive
[00:23] Mike F: gotcha
[00:23] Me: it reminds the player that there's a layer between them and the game
[00:23] Mike F: No it does a check every cycle to see what keys are being pressed
[00:25] Mike F: I can make it happen
[00:25] Mike F: Man that sucks though. I had big ideas but I have to really trim it down. It'll still be cool though. I just wanted something to show employers.
[00:27] Me: put tits in it
[00:27] Me: and have the ship look like a christmas tree
[00:27] Mike F: I'll have a special tit-ship just for you.
[00:27] Me: i always have lots of helpful advice
[00:28] Me: have the last boss be a big blubbery vagina. like Bill O'Reilly
[00:28] Mike F: Yes you do and for that I am ok.
[00:28] Mike F: HAR HAR
[00:28] Mike F: "bill o reilly is a big blubbering vagina"
[00:29] Me: yeo
[00:29] Me: *yep
[00:29] Mike F: "my name... is YEO"
[00:36] Mike F: I'm teaching myself the guitar
[00:36] Me: bravo. you rockstar you
[00:37] Mike F: Yep. I'm doing it right now.
[00:37] Mike F: Ok I'm done.
[00:37] Me: gonna get tattoos and get your sack pierced and bang lots of hot chicks?
[00:37] Mike F: HAR
[00:37] Mike F: Yeah lots of underage groupies.
[00:37] Mike F: If there's grass on the field play ball
[00:37] Me: BONUS
[00:37] Me: old enough to pee, old enough for me
[00:37] Mike F: yucky and I told you that one.
[00:38] Me: OH NO YOU DI'IN'T
[00:38] Mike F: PUT A CAPP IN YO ASS YO
[00:38] Mike F: pao pao
[00:39] Me: NURRRRD
[00:39] Mike F: Yeah so
[00:39] Mike F: DEE DEE DEEEEEE
[00:39] Me: so, tell me about your ho
[00:40] Me: send me pics of her boobs like that other ho you had
[00:40] Mike F: I can't, I don't have any pics yet.
[00:40] Mike F: But they're pretty sizable.
[00:40] Mike F: Not spotted.
[00:40] Me: like an owl?
[00:40] Mike F: No.
[00:40] Mike F: Remember how the last one had like a ton of freckles or something.
[00:40] Mike F: Maybe zits I dunno.
[00:40] Me: no
[00:40] Mike F: These are *pristine*
[00:40] Me: i didn't have that good a view
[00:41] Me: i got a pixely image taken from someone's camera phone
[00:41] Me: YOU ASS
[00:41] Mike F: Yeah you did because you made the comment "They're spotted" right when I sent them to you and I used a camera not a phone.
[00:41] Mike F: It's your MEMORY that's pixelley
[00:42] Me: no
[00:42] Me: the pic obviously wasn't worth keepin, cuz i don't have it
[00:42] Me: you sure she didn't just have chicken pox
[00:42] Mike F: You formatted it.
[00:42] Me: i formatted your mom
[00:42] Mike F: No cuz I had my face in them about 1 minute after the picture and my face was pox-free.
[00:43] Me: maybe she was growing a colony of secondary nipples
[00:43] Mike F: nastay
[00:43] Me: like a cow's tit
[00:43] Me: udders
[00:43] Mike F: you are teh grozzing me out
[00:43] Mike F: Anyway this girl probably wouldn't let me take a picture anyway.
[00:43] Mike F: she doesn't seem to be like that.
[00:44] Me: she's a prude?
[00:44] Me: titties are one of nature's greatest gifts. they are meant to be shared
[00:44] Mike F: If I told her they were for a trusted friend (you) and her face wasn't in there, then she *might* go for it. I'd have to tell her you were a breast connoisseurrererr.
[00:44] Me: i give mammograms
[00:45] Me: brb, gotta shit
[00:45] Mike F: ok don't hurry
[00:48] Mike F: There is a camera in the middle of this thing and it's a buncha what looks like scrabble tiles. Check it out
http://www.humorheights.com/index.php?
action=showpic&cat=5&pic=561
[00:54] Me: man that was a LOG
[00:55] Mike F: Hope it coiled properly or you might get a letter from the water plant.
[00:55] Me: naw, it was str8
[00:55] Me: i could really go for a quarter pounder right now
[00:56] Me: or a Royale
[00:56] Mike F: Plusgood
[00:56] Mike F: double quarter pounder with chays royale
[00:56] Me: i order it plain, and last time plain apparently somehow meant "no onions"
[00:57] Mike F: was that in the movie
[00:57] Me: "but put all the other shit on it"
[00:57] Me: no, that really happened
[00:57] Me: like, yesterday
[00:57] Mike F: man
[00:57] Mike F: shoot him
[00:58] Me: i can't believe we hire the stupidest people among us to prepare our food
[00:59] Mike F: Don't eat there
[00:59] Mike F: They put chicken heads in the nuggets mang
[01:00] Mike F:
http://www.angelfire.com/wa/zzaran/calvin.html
[01:00] Me: i don't eat their nuggets
[01:00] Me: i go to wendy's for that
[01:00] Me: tastes more like beak
[01:00] Mike F: amen on the chili too
[01:00] Mike F: I like wendy's. It's ashame there isn't one close by here.
[01:00] Me: and CHICKEN TITS
[01:01] Mike F: HAR HAR PEENER
[01:01] Me: i hear ya. we have a W and a McD but no taco bell or BK or Pizza Butt around here. so there's a lot of monotony in my diet.
[01:02] Mike F: I've got all the others right by here.
[01:02] Mike F: We should join forces like some kind of fast food voltron
[01:02] Mike F: I'll form the head
[01:02] Mike F: HAR
[01:02] Me: word
[01:02] Me: Lions or Cars?
[01:03] Mike F: Lions are the shiznit
[01:03] Me: fuckin A
[01:03] Me: that was a test
[01:03] Me: you pass
[01:03] Me: are all british pop bands whiny and depressing?
[01:03] Me: Duran Dur....BOOHOOHOOOOO
[01:04] Mike F: Haven't heard that name in years.
[01:04] Mike F: wasn't there a version of voltron with cars though or was that somthing else? I only remember lions.
[01:04] Me: there were three
[01:04] Me: the lions
[01:04] Me: 5 of 'em
[01:04] Me: another with 15 cars
[01:05] Mike F: what the deuce
[01:05] Me: and a really obscure one where three man-shaped robots joined into a bigger man-shaped robot with six arms
[01:05] Me: that one didn't get much hype
[01:05] Me: cuz they realized it was GAY
[01:06] Me: i think they were trying to appeal to the female audience.
[01:06] Mike F: That sounds retahded.
[01:06] Me: cuz, you know how chicks dig a guy with extra arms
[01:06] Mike F: Like some kinda sexy krishna or something brah
[01:06] Me: at EGM one year, they polled all the chicks in the office for hottest game hunk, and Goro from Mortal Kombat won "cuz he had extra hands"
[01:07] Me: and i'm like, "for what? so he can fist your vag, your ass, AND your mouth, all while eating a sammich from the deli ninja's stash?"
[01:07] Me: bitches, i tell ya
[01:07] Mike F: YES
[01:07] Mike F: Maybe he'll get them mixed up or something.
[01:07] Mike F: fisting a sammich while eating ass.
[01:07] Me: they want a cold tuna sammich crammed in their tuna hole
[01:07] Mike F: and then be like "whoops"
[01:08] Me: chicks want a baseball bat up their holes
[01:08] Mike F: tell ya what, if I find a pic of some tits that look like this girl's I'll send them your way
[01:09] Me: well how will i know what i'm lookin for
[01:09] Mike F: What do you mean

[01:09] Me: i have to find a pic of something that looks like something i've never seen
[01:09] Me: butterface alert:
http://www.abbeysbigtits.com/nn353049.jpg
[01:10] Mike F: ehh
[01:10] Mike F: not so much
[01:11] Me: those are nice tits tho
[01:11] Mike F: I agree
[01:11] Me: too bad about her face
[01:11] Mike F: could be because of the "smile"
[01:11] Me: and the freaky satan eyes
[01:12] Me:
http://www.adult-magazine.ws/
voluptuous.com/0302/Ira26.jpg
[01:12] Mike F: nope
[01:13] Me:
http://www.adult-magazine.ws/
voluptuous.com/0302/LornaMorgan03.jpg
[01:13] Me: well?
[01:13] Mike F: pretty close
[01:13] Me: C'MON I DON'T GOT ALL NGIHT
[01:13] Mike F: she's kind of a big girl
[01:13] Me:
http://oraculations.blogspot.com/
uploaded_images/huge_tits08%20red-759143.jpg
[01:13] Mike F: I meant if *I FIND* one that looks like her tits I'll send them
[01:14] Mike F: COME ON
[01:14] Mike F: REALLY
[01:14] Me: hey, it could happen
[01:14] Mike F: No. No it couldn't.
[01:14] Me:
http://gallery.euphorics.net/uploads/united/
56915694Celeb%20-%20Charlotte%20Church%20Topless%
20(Huge%20Tits)e%20Tits).jpg
[01:14] Me: shit
[01:14] Mike F: So big it's not found.
[01:15] Me:
http://gallery.euphorics.net/uploads/united/
56915694Celeb%20-%20Charlotte%20Church%20Topless%
20(Huge%20Tits).jpg
[01:15] Me: there
[01:15] Mike F:
http://www.1059thex.com/pages/rack/2005/?cur_page=1
&mode=view&view_image=contest14536_boxitup25.jpg
[01:16] Mike F: The last two (or four hehe) are about right
[01:16] Mike F: Too bad the ones I sent aren't naykid.
[01:16] Me: that doesn't tell me shit
[01:16] Me: NAYKID
[01:17] Mike F:
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5430343841227974645
[01:17] Me:
http://www.retroandvintage.com/galleries/100jd/images/16.jpg
[01:19] Mike F: BUKKAKE
[01:20] Mike F: WAHOO!
[01:27] Mike F: You there?
[01:27] Me: i keep watching the WoW video
[01:27] Me: it is funnay
[01:28] Me: i wish i could DL it
[01:28] Mike F: Just save it as a fav
[01:28] Me: BUT WHAT IF THEY MOOOOOVE IT
[01:28] Mike F: I dunno.
[01:28] Mike F: Hope that they don't
[01:28] Me: psh
[01:28] Mike F: Try finding it online somewhere. It's on google so it has to be at a place.
[01:28] Me: i didn't get a 160GB hard drive to NOT save everything i can find on it
[01:29] Me: i tried view source to find the .swf file, but it ain't that tidy
[01:29] Mike F: Is it an .swf?
[01:31] Me: yeah
[01:31] Mike F: pissway
[01:31] Me: but it also isn't
[01:31] Mike F: pisswaq*
[01:31] Me: it's complicated. i ran into this the other dya
[01:31] Mike F: I don't think you know what you are talking about sirrah
[01:32] Me: SHUT YO MOUF FOOL
[01:32] Me: found it as an avi file
[01:32] Me: NIGGA
[01:32] Mike F: Holy crap this is an hilarious idea. A chainsaw on a remote controlled car.
[01:33] Mike F: Take the chain off and chase people around with it.
[01:34] Me: wow, a server hath been wanged
[01:34] Me: www.thatcloudgame.com
[01:34] Mike F: can't look right now brb
[01:35] Mike F: that's enough of that.
[01:35] Mike F: Ok what happened?
[01:35] Mike F: CLOUD
[01:35] Mike F: WHAT THE DEUCE IS THAT
[01:36] Me: it's a game being developed at USC with help from EA
[01:36] Mike F: wow
[01:36] Me: it has a really great soundtrack
[01:36] Me: you can download it from that site
[01:36] Mike F: Nah
[01:36] Mike F: Who plays in the soundtrack?
[01:36] Me: WHY NOT R U GAY?
[01:36] Mike F: YES OK?
[01:36] Me: it's instrumental
[01:37] Mike F: DEAL
[01:37] Me: FAGGGGOT
[01:37] Mike F: SHADDUP DON"T JUDGE ME YOU BIGOT
[01:37] Me: BETTER A BIGGOT THAN A FAGGOT
[01:37] Mike F: PROBABLY
[01:37] Mike F: (i'm running dry)
[01:37] Me: so, you just made up this girl
[01:37] Mike F: No she's real
[01:37] Me: she's a blow up doll
[01:37] Mike F: Yeah I bit her tit and she farted and flew out the window i will miss her
[01:38] Me: lol
[01:38] Me: GRAB YOUR DICK AND DOUBLE CLICK
[01:38] Me: Katemonster. :)
[01:39] Me: my mum doesn't believe that 2/3 of the internet is porn
[01:39] Mike F: What's katemonster
[01:39] Me: IN THE VIDEO. god, don't you even LOOK at what you send me?
[01:39] Mike F: Nope I look after I gauge your reaction.
[01:39] Me: LOL
[01:40] Mike F: "is it safe?"
[01:42] Mike F: I couldn't understand that frickin troll for the most part. She was very enunciated though.
[01:42] Mike F: I just never picture a tauren of ANY sex to have a angel voice like that though.
[01:42] Me: I DO. EVERY NITE IN MY DREAMS
[01:43] Mike F: grab em by the horns
[01:43] Me: i have a tauren shaman in the works. male tho. lvl 15
[01:43] Mike F: NEEDS MORE COWBELL
[01:43] Me: LOL
[01:43] Mike F: Hey did you see the original one with Walken in there?
[01:43] Me: que?
[01:43] Mike F: Holy crap.
[01:44] Mike F: The original SNL skit. did you see it.
[01:44] Me: WHAT original SNL skit?
[01:44] Me: use DETAILS
[01:44] Mike F: Han gon.
[01:44] Me: so i can UNDERSTAND you
[01:44] Mike F: I'm sending 2 links shortly.
[01:44] Me: yikes
[01:44] Me: the intarwebz will collapse
[01:44] Mike F:
http://www.geekspeakweekly.com/cowbell/
[01:44] Mike F: go there first
[01:45] Mike F: Then go here:
http://gorillamask.net/morecowbell2.shtml
[01:47] Mike F: Crap
[01:48] Mike F: First video here:
http://www.whoomp.com/articles/25/
1/Gotta-Have-More-Cowbell-Video!
[01:57] Me: there's like 20 minutes of my life i'll never get back
[01:57] Mike F: HAR HAR
[01:57] Mike F: I looked at it too.
[01:57] Mike F: You're gonna die in 7 days
[01:58] Me: why
[01:58] Mike F: cuz you saw
[01:59] Me: saw what
[01:59] Mike F: the movies
[01:59] Me: what movies
[01:59] Mike F: the ones i just sent you
[01:59] Me: what's that got to do with dying in 7 days
[02:00] Mike F: Have you ever seen The Ring?
[02:01] Me: oh, that turd? yeah.
[02:02] Mike F: That's the reference
[02:02] Me: uh huh
[02:03] Me: there's another 20 minutes of my life i'll never get back
[02:03] Mike F: HA
[02:03] Mike F: 40!
[02:04] Mike F: I'ma go soon.
[02:04] Me: u r killing me softly
[02:04] Mike F: die faster plzkthx
[02:04] Mike F: :P
[02:04] Mike F: :-P
[02:04] Mike F: That's so ghey. You have to put a dash in there to get a picture of a smiley.
[02:04] Mike F: Regular smileys don't have frickin noses.
[02:04] Mike F: :-)
[02:04] Mike F: :)
[02:04] Mike F: either way works.
[02:04] Me: (flag)
[02:05] Me: (bttf)
[02:05] Me: dill dough
[02:05] Mike F: bttf
[02:07] Mike F: ?
[02:07] Me: blargle
[02:07] Mike F: what does bttf mean
[02:08] Me: i dunno
[02:08] Mike F: MAN
[02:08] Mike F: GIVE IT UP
[02:08] Me: on my screen i made a flag and a car.
[02:08] Me: GET TRILLIAN, FAG
[02:08] Mike F: And the car went "bttf"
[02:09] Mike F: HA
[02:09] Mike F: GIMME A LINK, DOUCHENOZZLE!
[02:09] Me: (hourglass) that's an hourglass
[02:09] Mike F: No it just says (hourglass)
[02:09] Me: GOOGLE IT CUMSTINK
[02:09] Me: yeah, and that looks like an hourglass on my screen
[02:09] Me: put spaces between the letters
[02:09] Mike F: Yeah you know why that is?
[02:09] Me: cuz you eat dick?
[02:09] Mike F: NO. CUZ YOU EAT DICK.
[02:10] Me: not the way your mom does
[02:10] Mike F: Yeah you love it smear it some more on your face
[02:10] Mike F: what
[02:10] Mike F: Are you putting this up on your blog?
[02:10] Me: LOL
[02:10] Me: that's a good idea
[02:10] Mike F: The whole thing?
[02:10] Me: why not?
[02:10] Mike F: excerpt the boring parts./
[02:10] Me: there ARE no boring parts
[02:11] Me: except the parts where you're being a cum eating choad
[02:11] Me: and don't show your girlyfriend, or you'll NEVAR get to see them titties
[02:11] Me: and thus, neither will i
[02:11] Mike F: Well they're there all the time for me. I don't know what to tell you.
[02:12] Mike F: I likes em. I make no effort to hide the fact and I've complimented her many times on this.
[02:12] Me: u'r like "they feel just like my boyfriend's buttox"
[02:13] Mike F: Not quite.
[02:13] Mike F: I mena, uh...
[02:13] Me: you love the cock
[02:13] Me: is Dick Cheney your dad?
[02:13] Me: all his kids are homos
[02:14] Mike F: n osir
[02:14] Mike F: no sir no sir
[02:14] Me: do you "shovel snow"?
[02:15] Mike F: do you "eat oyster"
[02:15] Me: do you "drink cum"?
[02:15] Mike F: do you "fellate males"
[02:15] Me: do you "fuck your mom"?
[02:15] Mike F: do you "bob knob"
[02:16] Me: do you "try to suck your own dick with your mouth"?
[02:16] Mike F: "no"
[02:16] Me: lol
[02:16] Mike F: Who hasn't tried.
[02:16] Mike F: every guy tries at least twice.
[02:16] Mike F: If you can you don't need a girlfriend EVAR
[02:16] Me: 'cept that guy who broke his neck on the first try
[02:16] Me: he didn't try twice
[02:17] Mike F: The second time is usually "Hey I think I'm more flexible now... nope still can't reach"
[02:17] Me: yeah, god sux. he gave all the animals that don't want oral the ability to lick themselves. but us? NOOOOOOOOO
[02:19] Mike F: No just huge dicks.
[02:19] Mike F: Which site is this going on?
[02:20] Me: AAALLLLLLLLL
[02:20] Me: i have 3 now
[02:20] Mike F: AR HAR HARHAR
[02:20] Mike F: What's the names of all 3.
[02:20] Mike F: I only know 2.
[02:20] Mike F: TELL IT TO ME HEATHEN
[02:20] Me: http://torricane.1up.com/
[02:20] Me: http://torricane.blogspot.com/
[02:21] Me: http://blog.myspace.com/20729764
[02:21] Me: there's a new YOUR MOM joke in there i made up
[02:21] Mike F: Hey it's That One Girl Who Hardly Shows Her Tits Ever Evar!
[02:21] Mike F: Yeah I saw it.
[02:22] Mike F: Dude you have repeated the same thing 3 times.
[02:22] Mike F: This is one site in triplicate. You dud.
[02:22] Me: i know
[02:22] Me: i don't have that much good material
[02:22] Me: you've been OFFLINE ASSHOLE
[02:22] Me: this shit's not gonna write itself!
[02:23] Mike F: That's my superhero name, how'd you know?
[02:23] Me: too busy playing with some inflatable tits to entertain the masses on the intarweb.
[02:23] Mike F: OFFLINE ASSHOLE
[02:23] Me: THE MASSES EAT MOLASSES
[02:24] Me: there's a kitty here acting all slutty
[02:25] Mike F: You lie.
[02:26] Mike F: I am gonna go soon.
[02:28] Mike F: Are you done playing?
[02:29] Mike F: HEY
[02:31] Me: playing what
[02:31] Mike F: On here.
[02:31] Me: NEVAR!
[02:31] Mike F: It's time for my beauty sleep fool.
[02:31] Me: believe it or not, i've been working off and on during all this
[02:31] Mike F: YEAH IT FIGURES>
[02:31] Mike F: but I'm gonna go for now
[02:32] Me: i can multitask, beeeyotch
[02:32] Me: OK GO THEN PUSSY
[02:32] Me: OFFLINE ASSHOLE
[02:32] Mike F: dun dun DUNNNN
[02:32] Me: yeah that
[02:34] Mike F: gotta go
[02:34] Mike F: byeeeeeeeeeeeeeee says OFFLINE ASSHOLE

Copy Editor, anyone?

The following is an email I sent to PSM, a PlayStation-centric magazine that apparently has no one at the helm of the copy editing department. Enjoy my dissection of their crappy magazine, and if any of you employers out there appreciate this kind of attention to detail, feel free to offer me a job. :)

Mark Buckingham
www.torricane.com

- Hide quoted text -
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Mark Buckingham < torricane@gmail.com>
Date: Dec 25, 2005 12:21 PM
Subject: Copy Editor position
To: PSM

Hi PSM,

I'd like to submit my resume for the position of Copy Editor for PSM (it can be found at http://www.torricane.com/Resume.htm). The position MUST be vacant given the sheer number of heinous grammatical and mechanics errors in the magazine. Below are just a few excerpts, the most obvious offenders. I'll forgive more minor infractions for the sake of actually finishing this email sometime today.

All excerpts taken from PSM Issue 104, December 2005

On The Cover
Wrong: "8-pages of screens & info!"
Right: For one thing, never start a sentence (or fragment) with a number; spell it out. For another, spell out numbers less than 10. For yet another, that hyphen doesn't belong there. Now if you said "Eight-page section of screens & info!" that would be correct.

Page 16
DMC3:SE preview
Wrong: "We are the lover of it."
Right: "We are the lovers of it." or simply "We love it."

Ryu Ga Gotoku preview
Wrong: "...a very Shenmue-like budget (20 million!)..."
Right: 20 million what? Yen? Dollars? Rupees? Twenty million in Yen or Pesos is a lot less in Dollars, Pounds, or Euros, so it's important to specify.

Page 22
MGS4 preview
Wrong: "That, and the true power of PS3. Not only to make better looking games, but games that feel 100% totally alive."
Ok, you've got a bunch of fragments here, redundancy, and misuse of conjunctions.
"...he'd be showing us the most amazing videogame we've ever seen, as well as the true power of the PS3, power used not only to make better looking games, but [also] games that feel (use 100% or totally, not both) alive.

Wrong:"...an utterly decimated urban environment..."
Decimation is when 1/10th of a population is killed. I'm not sure you can "kill" urban environments, but pretending for a moment that killing equals destroying, it looked like a lot more than one-tenth of the surroundings had been damaged to a great degree. Also, it's widely accepted that decimation can only be done to a group of people, not structures and environment.

Wrong: "war-ravage city"
Right: "war-ravaged city"

Page 23
Wrong: "Yes: disarmed."
Right: "Yes, disarmed." (nevermind the fact that it is a fragment)

Page 24
You didn't bother to italicize MGS2 in the same sentence that you DID remember to italicize MGS4.

Page 36
GTA figures
Wrong: world-wide
Right: worldwide

Page 38
Wrong: dwindle down (redundant)
Right: dwindle

Page 40
Wrong: "...because it's a balance, you know?"
Right: "...because it's a balance."
Tagging "you know?" on there weakens your position as an industry authority. Besides, it's not a conversation wherein the other party could say, "Yes, I do know."

Page 48
PoP: Revelations preview
Wrong: puzzle-solving
Right: puzzle solving
There are uses where the hyphen belongs. This was not one of them.

Wrong: noobs
Right: n00bs
Ask any leet-speaker; those Os become zeros.

Wrong: "...appears about a fourth of the way..."
Right: "...appears about one-fourth of the way..."

Page 49
Wrong: stalagtite
Right: stalagmite (from the floor up) or stalactite (from the ceiling down)
"Stalagtite" isn't a word. It doesn't exist. Beyond that, pick the one that accurately represents from which direction these mineral deposits are growing.

Wrong: the air spirt
Right: the air spirit

Wrong: "...seeing as how its lacking..."
Right: "...seeing as how it's lacking..."

Page 52
Wrong: "A third person [game]..."
Right: " A third-person [game]..."

Wrong: Rampant misuse of dashes in the 50 Cent: Bulletproof preview.
Right: I'd have to redo the whole paragraph, and I'm not going to bother till you start paying me.

Page 54
Don't end a paragraph—let alone an entire article—with an ellipsis.

Page 56
Wrong: "...fatherless, sister-less..."
Right: "...fatherless, sisterless..."
If nothing else, at least be consistent!

Page 61
Wrong: pre loaded
Right: pre-loaded
"Pre" is not a word.

Wrong: Technological tinkers
Right: Technological tinkerers

Wrong: (fan created) software
Right: (fan-created) software

Wrong: "...the hole were supposedly plugged..."
Right: "...the holes were supposedly plugged..." or "...the hole was supposedly plugged..."

Wrong: web sites
Right: Web sites
The words "Web" and "Internet" are always capitalized when referring to that wide-area network we all connect to for info, gaming, rumors, and porn.

Wrong: "...be looked at as opening the door wide open for PSP game piracy..."
Right: "...be looked at as opening the door wide for PSP game piracy..." or "...be looked at as kicking the door wide open for PSP game piracy..."
REDUNDANCY!!!!

Wrong: You started a parenthesis at the end of the page, but never closed it.
Right: Close it.

Page 62
Wrong: "Games They're made without budgets..."
Right: "Games that are made without budgets..."
You guys managed to miss improper capitalization AND word choice. Bravo. It also appears the text bolding was turned off after "$50" in the pic text box for Homebrew Games.

Page 66
The last half of the second intro paragraph here uses semicolons to separate elements in a list. Problem is that it's not done consistently. However, the bigger problem is that you shouldn't be doing it here in the first place. List items should be divided if they have internal punctuation that would cause confusion otherwise, like commas within list items. The comma used in this paragraph doesn't work that way and should have been a semicolon for consistency's sake, but then, they all should have been commas all along.

Page 67
Wrong: "...they'll know to try and grab it..."
Right: "...they'll know to try to grab it..."


That's about half the magazine, and my mind reels in agony and frustration. If you want me to go on, I can grind my teeth and continue, but I'd rather not. I'd say there's enough evidence here to support my case.

Bear in mind that for at least some portion of your readership, PSM is the ONLY thing they will bother to actually read (Books? What are those?). Aside from the fact that you pose yourself as a professional publication and should naturally adhere to a higher standard for language construction and accuracy than you presently do, if these are the only words some readers set their eyes on, they're learning two important things from PSM:

1. Poor language usage governed by virtually no rules and sloppy execution.

2. It's not important how you represent yourself in print.

I know you write to a third-grade mentality/reading level and don't expect them to notice or care about this, but they will remember it and refer to this as something that "professionals" do, and therefore must be correct.

Clean up your act. Show some pride in your work. If you need help, give me a call. Your mission statement posits that "[We will] never settle for 'just okay' with anything we do." Yeah, right.

Mark Buckingham
www.torricane.com

Thursday, December 22, 2005

I M FUNNAY

Here's an original Your Momma joke I just made up. Nick asked if I was talking to someone on the phone last night, or if he just dreamed that. I said, "Well, I was talking to my mom, so you were probably just dreaming about her." That's when it hit me. Strap on your funny bones:

Your mom is so fat, it takes 4 people to have a dream about her.

WOOHOO!!!

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

The Memory Remains

I generally don't talk about how I feel in here. All I hear from people is about how all bloggers are whiny bitches just looking for an outlet and an audience. So, to counteract this, I try to remain as positive as I can and post things that will either make you laugh or get you horny.

Today is different. When I left New York City back in August, I left behind a woman who shattered my expectations for what a human was capable of. She had eyes I could stare at all day (and often would, though it would annoy her). She could genuinely surprise me every time I was with her. I left behind someone who would sit on a hard seat on a subway train for two hours, alone, at 3am from Queens down to south Brooklyn just to see me if I so much as hinted at it. And I would have done the same for her.

So today I started thinking about how to define what love is. There are all kinds, sure, but there must be some defining quality present in all its forms. And now I know what it is. When you think about someone, do you smile in your mind and think, "There's nothing I wouldn't do for that person," and, "In a pinch, I want to be the first person they call"? If you do, to me, that's love. The very prospect of seeing them, if only for an hour, lights a fire under you. It motivates you. It gets you out of bed, and out of a bad mood. So imagine having someone like this you could see every day for the rest of your life, to wake up next to every morning and kiss goodnight at the end of every day. And I had to walk away because I was broke. She didn't care about me being rich or poor, and was determined to get me to stay, even if I couldn't pay any of my bills. She was endlessly optimistic, even in the face of obvious facts to the contrary. THAT was love.

So we tried to stick it out over the distance, as friends or otherwise. I guess I'm not the typical guy when I feel blessed just having a woman like that around as a friend. I have a few other friends (many female, some not) that I think just as highly of, but we keep it right where it is. Anyway, I called her with good news. I said, "I'm moving from Ohio up to near Boston, so I'll be able to visit you a lot more often [4-hr drive instead of 8-hr]). She seemed happy.

So in early September, I moved up to a little town outside of Boston, found a job within a couple days, and everything looked good. What's more, I was headed to NYC for the weekend of 9/11/05 to see friends, and this particular lady.

I parked in front of her house in Queens and got out of the car, walked up to the door and rang, then knocked when I didn't hear anything. She does this sometimes, just sort of wanders out of the house when she knows I'm coming over. So I rang her up on her cell; she told me to turn around. Across the street she stood, smiling at me from behind sunglasses and hair that had a sexy way of hanging in her face. She hung up and took her time wading thru the traffic. It had been a month and I wasn't sure what the appropriate greeting was. She answered the question before I could ask it. Her arms wrapped around my neck, and mine found her waist, like they were just MADE to go there. I don't know how long that hug lasted, but it felt like forever and yet could never be long enough.

We went inside, she got me some water, we started catching up. Her kids would be coming back from their vacation in another week. She loved my farmer's tan from landscaping in the hot Ohio August sun. Neither one of us could say enough times how great it was to see the other. So I stayed the night.

I know at some point that weekend I went to see my old roommates down in Brooklyn, but it's a blur. What stands out to me is all the time she and I spent together. The next morning we took an on-foot tour through several of the parks around her neighborhood. We started to talk about the future, about me coming to see her more often. I felt good. Better than I had in some time. And from the look in her eye, in her smile, she felt the same.

That's why I struggled a bit the next week when, after returning to Massachusetts, I got an email from her saying that the distance, combined with how her boys would deal with a strange guy coming around, and how she needed to make a few other changes in her life, suddenly factored me out of the equation. I couldn't argue with her; the points were valid, and she was a smart lass. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't still think about her every day. She might not even be there anymore. She had been talking about going home to Ecuador for some time, despite having lived in NYC for 15 years and having some roots and family there.

I know that in matters of the heart, only the fool tries to be practical, but here goes my best "fool" impersonation. There was a slight language barrier, tho she did try often (with moderate success, I would say) to teach me more Spanish (two years of it in high school helped), and I also was worried about being rejected by her kids. On the other hand, I'm not sure I even want to have kids, so the fact that she's already got her own allows me to skip the parts I like least: the early years.

I don't even know why I'm putting this here. It can't be solved neatly. I like visiting New York City, but living there didn't agree with me too well before. Why would it be any better a second time around? And she can't/won't leave at least as long as her kids are in school (another 5 years, at least).

The day I got that breakup letter, I rationalized it and said, "Ok, this makes sense. It's over and I understand why." Still, the memory remains. And I don't know what to do about it.

Nash-who?

I guess the year off did the Nashville Predators some good. I sit here amazed at how they're just owning the Colorado Avalanche. They're playing aggressively and not giving any room or breaks to the Avs. It's like they're on speed. They don't slow down, their awareness on the ice is really impressive....they play like a team, not just a bunch of guys wearing the same shirt. It's 3-1 in the Predators' favor right now, 7:45 left in the third. Gotta get back to the game!

Monday, December 19, 2005

A new craze?

Apparently, as if the Internet weren't anonymous enough, now people are role-playing as their favorite TV personalities, which strikes me as terribly adolescent and even a smidge creepy. See for yourself:

Dawn

Anya

dead (aka siko_bitch)

I find these people difficult to give a shit about as human beings, if they're so painfully uninteresting on their own that they have to take on alter egos.

On an unrelated note, Jerry Maguire is a pretty good movie, the way As Good As It Gets and Love Actually are good. Club Dread is good, but in an entirely different way. A funny way. And a Jordan Ladd/Brittany Daniel kind of way.

P.S. I need to get some jeans. Can anyone recommend me a brand?

Sunday, December 18, 2005

I may vomit

Bill Gates and Bono? Time has lost its mind(s).

Read all about it.

Pass it on

I struggle to understand how this kind of shit can be allowed to go on in the modern world. I know we need to focus on the individual (and chop his cock and balls off and make him eat them), but like the jihad bombers, it seems like the Muslim community is just programmed to fuck up everything the free world has worked to create.

Read this.

What say you?

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Finally! A work-safe link from Mark!

More or less anyway. File this under "things that are too funny to be fiction."

Click THIS.

You're welcome.

The Need for Headphones and Painkillers

Ok, I live in a house with:

-a 59-year-old grump
-his 44-y-o bride, freshly imported from Russia
-her 14-y-o daughter
-the grump's 28-y-o daughter
-her 33-y-o hubby, straight outta Southampton, UK
-her 8-y-o daughter, 5-month-old son
-2 cats (one nice, one inbred and insane)
-1 retarded Chow dog that looks like an Ewok on all fours

So, there's a lot of family here. I'm struggling to find the starting point of today's nonsense. I guess chronological order will have to do:

1. Rachel (the 28-y-o), her dad, his new wife, and the 5-mo-old plan a trip to Memphis to visit her mom, uncle, aunt, and brother (there may be others; unlike Pokemon I couldn't catch it all)

2. Rachel's mom had a heart attack a few weeks ago, but after triple bypass surgery is on the mend.

3. Plane tickets are purchased, lodging is secured in Memphis.

4. Rachel's hubby starts planning for a weekend away from baby, which basically means lots of movies, games, and junk food.

5. One of the relatives in Memphis emails some nasty note about not wanting them to come, and how the recovering mom couldn't "handle" the excitement. Whatever.

6. The 8-y-o comes down with a 103.1F temperature (39.5C for you foreigners, and 312.65 Kelvin for the nerds out there).

7. People start thinking about not going to Memphis; Rachel's grumpy dad guilts her, saying "This may be the last chance you have to see her." Nevermind the fact that he was bringing his new wife to meet his ex-wife, which itself is dumb on levels I can't even grasp. I had an ex and a current gf in the same room for a few minutes once. It's not something I encourage you to attempt.

8. Grumpy says, "Now don't let anything I say change your mind" and then proceeds to say nothing BUT things designed to affect her decision. And he insists that she decide ON THE SPOT whether she wants to cancel this trip (in the works for months) or not.

So there's screaming and crying and "Why does it have to be like this!" flying thru the air. Why are families so fucking awful around the holidays? Mine's not (that I know of). I told them point blank that I couldn't make the trek back to Ohio from almost-Boston for lots of reasons (no time off work, cost of gas, a LONG fucking drive, etc.) and they were totally cool with it. But they also said, "Hey, if it turns out you CAN make it, feel free, and you can stay with any one of us!"

And did you ever notice that when you really need to unplug and get some positive interaction with a game, it never works out that way? Case in point, I jack in to throw down with some terrorist motherfuckers in Ghost Recon, thinking I can snipe at least half, and let Bravo and Charlie wipe the floor with the rest of them. "I regret to inform you that your sons were killed because they were stupid." I actually LOST an entire squad in one mission. Nine vs. thirty and Nine lost. Ouch. I haven't done that badly in a long time. So what do you do? You pick a map you know inside and out to ensure a high body count on the other end. And let your sniper do the talking with that lovely, deathly quiet SR-25SD. They call it The Widowmaker for a reason.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

News you can eat

Working Designs is no more. :(
http://www.1up.com/do/newsStory?cId=3146301

Another gamer games himself to death...in Korea, of course.
http://www.1up.com/do/newsStory?cId=3146272

Debunking myths about games.
http://www.pbs.org/kcts/videogamerevolution/impact/myths.html

Some of the cast of the Doom movie are contractually obligated to appear in a sequel. Poor bums.

Snoopy vs. The Red Baron? Play it!
http://www.1up.com/do/newsStory?cId=3146257

The following rumors are making the rounds:

-Another PSP GTA before the end of 2006.
-The pres of Activision openly admits he's exploiting the Tony Hawk franchise on a yearly basis and will keep doing so forever.
-A multiplayer sequel to Shadow of the Colossus is in the works for the PS3.
-The Revolution hardware can't make visuals much better than the GC's.
-Rare will have two more 3Shitty games out in 2006. My guess is they're both Perfect Dark patches.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Jesus H. Christ

Ok, this has nothing to do with "our" lord and savior, but if you can NOT say that name when you get a good look at the pics contained in the following, I'll be surprised. This is a prime example of people having way too much free fucking time.

http://www.crochetmycrotch.com/index2.html

I found it on SomethingAwful as their awful link of the day. Indeed.

Perhaps I'm easily amused...

...but some of the pics on this page are damn funny. They're not all work-safe, so open the page in privacy if you work for a Scrooge. It's a looong page, so just keep scrolling and looking at the pics and being amused. If you can actually read it, feel free. I got no idear what it says.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

New story idear

Boy meets girl.
Boy dates girl.
Boy falls for girl, and vice versa.
Girl tells boy she has AIDS.
Boy decides he loves her more than his own life.
Boy deliberately tries to get AIDS from her so they share all the same life experiences
Only they don't, because one develops symptoms long before the other, and after watching the one s/he loves decay into nothingness, the other is left to suffer their demise alone.

See, this is why I don't write more. Two reasons:
1. I can never decide which storyline to pursue
2. My stories never have even remotely happy endings

What's a guy to do?

Hurt so good

First off, happy Day After the 64th Anniversary of Pearl Harbor.

Second....off, the roomies are watching The Apprentice, and while Rebecca is certainly hot on her own, there is something appealing to me about a girl on crutches.

Now, don't get me wrong; I'm not into beating women or something. I had a crush on a blind girl once. I like the idea of vulnerability, of really being able to help out someone without "taking care" of them, since some people are really offended by the idea of being taken care of. That boggles my mind, but whatever. Some people act too tough, like they don't need anyone, and don't like that. That flint-hard exterior has to crumble sooner or later.

So I fall for girls with evident weaknesses, but who also possess the strength to cope and manage and still be happy.

Bruins-Games-Babes (what else is there?)

Not to sound too Seinfeld, but what's the deal with the Bruins this year? I never paid them much heed until my last move made them the home team. I've seen them snatch defeat from the jaws of victory so many times this season, and from lesser teams! Then they play Ottawa--arguably the best team in the NHL right now-- and shut them out 3-0. Did I miss something?

Their first game with Marco Sturm and Brad Stuart went appropriately well, but things still seem kinda spotty on the team. Sturm and Stuart have been golden to me since NHL 2k3 came out for the PS2 and they were holding San Jose together like glue. A speedy winger and a tall, sturdy, quick defender? Sounds good to me. Were they worth trading Joe Thornton? Hard to say in the short term, but if these guys can bring a little more discipline and single-minded team play to the Bruins game, more power to them.

I just got done watching Colorado walk all over the Bruins, and occasionally I see a team where it looks like everybody knows what's going on. Colorado is (or at least tonight was) one of those teams. It also doesn't help that the Bean-town boys seem overly reliant on dump-and-chase and shooting the puck from the blue line smothered in prayers and well wishings. God forbid you guys insist on being within 20 feet of the goal when you fire one off. And one-timers? Haven't seen one that I can remember lately. Well, none from more than a foot inside the blue line.

Maybe they need to spread out more. Keep at least one forward on the edge of the defensive zone so you can get a shot at a breakaway. I nominate Sturm. Then get your defenders to play tight man-to-man defense and stop watching things happen and trying to react later.

Raycroft and Toivonen are playing their dear little hearts out in net, and the team playing in front of them isn't worth their services at this point.

In other news, Whose Line is it Anyway, Little Britain, and Brainiac are still the best shows on TV these days. At least there's something worth watching for a change.

And when I'm not doing that (or simultaneously), I'm earning levels in WoW (PC) and Armada (Dreamcast). My gentle-giant tauren shaman is up to level 13 and doing quite well. It's fun to wait about 5 or 6 levels between shopping sprees for new skills. Adding Lightning Shield, Fire Shock, and several new Earth totems, in addition to upping my Earth Shock, Lightning Bolt, and Healing Wave levels has made me a little more comfortable with getting into the thick of it with 3 or 4 Prairie Wolf Alphas.

As for Armada, I didn't play it at all today (yet), but yesterday I found out all my characters got deleted somehow, though my game was still saved. So I have a campaign saved at 28 missions complete, and I'm supposed to go after the Armada Overlord, and I have a level 1 ship. Yeah right. So I started over after beefing the ship slowly up to about level 12. Starting the game with a level 12 ship is a lot better than jumping in halfway with a level 1 ship. I shall make money, whoop the Armada, and maybe take names.

I'm going to a partay this weekend, and there will be two key ingredients--females and alcohol. I'm hoping for good things to happen, and if you're really nice to me, I'll tell you all about it. From what I hear, there's at least one hottie gonna be there who's actively ON THE MARKET if you know what I mean. Here's hoping.

And if I ever find me a single gal that looks like this, I'ma marry her on the spot.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

WoW and Firefox

First of all, if you're not using Mozilla Firefox, go get it. It's the only browser worth using 99.999% of the time (except those rare occasions when you NEED to use ActiveX). Go, and behold the joys of tabbed browsing, popup blocking built in, and lots of other nice security features, as well as the best bookmark management I've seen in a web browser.

So I finally took the plunge. After months and months of Nick and Rachel and Rhane bugging me to do it, I signed up for World of Warcraft. And it's fun. I am afraid. Then again, it's not like I have a social life to lose or anything.

I was snooping thru the character types, trying to find something I liked. Usually I go for the nimble types, but the one that visually appealed to me most (just a smidge more than the lanky Night Elf with his glowy eyes) was the Tauren Shaman I'm rocking with at the moment. After a single day/night of playing, I've only died once and am up to about level 8. Good enough for me. I've picked up a few spells, namely Lightning, Earth Shock, and Healing Wave. Lightning and Earth Shock are handy to have together, especially with some of the critters around Bloodhoof that will hit you and try to run off. I whittle them down with Lightning from a distance, bash them in the head a few times with my Rock Mace, then when they try to run off, I Earth Shock them and they fall over kaput. Not too shabby.

So now the trick will be not letting WoW suck up my life. Can't make any promises there. I'm not really partying with anyone yet (outside of the aforementioned people who got me into it), so if you want to get together with me, look up my character Kneegrah in Aggramar. I'm still new to the whole thing, so if my chatting and/or party forming abilities are lacking, bear with.

And that, as they say, is all I got for now.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

So, random shit

We're about to have at least 7 computers in this house. That shit is nuts. Anyone in the Boston area want to get down in some LANnage?

Have you ever found blood? Like, just been bebopping down the street and WHOA (in appropriate Neo voice) there's some blood. It's one of those things that never really happens in real life, but happens all the time in movies.

And where to the people on Survivor take a dump?

Speaking of, I got done dropping the kids off at the pool the other day, and looked in the crapper, and I swear it said "written and directed by Uwe Boll."

So I was flying high on a cloud made entirely of something called Battlefield 2 on the PS2. Then I picked up the recent Game Informer and realized just how useless and gay their rating system is. They use a 10 point scale, but they really only use a 5 point scale, from 6 to 10, which is retarded. If you flip through any issue of the magazine, every game will score somewhere between 7.5 and 8.75, which means to me that apparently they feel EVERY game is maybe probably sort of worth buying. Way to hedge. But most offensive was that not only did Battlefield 2 get one of the most innacurate reviews ever (did they review a beta? Bad visuals and clunky vehicles? Those weren't in MY version), but it got beat out by cookie-cutter, make-me-yawn-so-hard-my-jaw-cracks shit like GTA on the PSP. Really, how can carjacking some fool for the 3957th time really still be fun? I lost interest in that franchise about 10 minutes into Vice City. GTA can fuck off and die now. Or repopulate the cities with Chocobos or something. Carjacking a Chocobo would be hella sweet.

I'm flipping thru to see what other abhorrent games GI wanted me to read about this month, and I find the new Spy Hunter game. I hated the remakes that came out whenever they did in the last 5 years, and this one doesn't appear to be getting any better. I read about the car. And The Rock. And the Rock Moments, and that's where I wanted to kill myself. So, I can grab a guy, and throw him thru a fish tank, and then slap him in the face with a fish? That's a Rock moment? I can't believe people allow themselves to be signed up for this kind of shit (then again, Dwayne WAS in the Doom movie. And Walking Tall. That movie sucked). So I read that bit to Nick, and after he stopped staring in slack-jawed disbelief, he started laughing until he almost peed on the floor. My biggest disappointment is that there's prolly no multiplayer or online modes, so when I get to that sweet-ass slap-a-guy-in-the-face-with-a-fish mode, I won't be able to slap random guys on the internet in the face with a fish. Because nothing says SPY HUNTER like getting out of the car, picking up a fish, and slapping a guy with it. Fuck off and die now.

So the only real reason worth picking up GI anymore has nothing to do with the game coverage or the reviews, but for that chick Lisa who writes for them. She's cute. I'd totally make out with her and maybe more if her parents didn't come home in the middle of it or something. If they did, I'd punch out her dad (Mike Tyson style) and ask her mama-cita if she wanted in on the action. Actually, prolly not. Most people's moms aren't what you find on those MILF sites.

And I'm pretty sure I couldn't have invented a girl more desirable to me than Amy. Oh Amy yer so fine, yer so fine you blow my mind. HEY AMY! *clap clap cla-clap*