Saturday, December 03, 2005

So, random shit

We're about to have at least 7 computers in this house. That shit is nuts. Anyone in the Boston area want to get down in some LANnage?

Have you ever found blood? Like, just been bebopping down the street and WHOA (in appropriate Neo voice) there's some blood. It's one of those things that never really happens in real life, but happens all the time in movies.

And where to the people on Survivor take a dump?

Speaking of, I got done dropping the kids off at the pool the other day, and looked in the crapper, and I swear it said "written and directed by Uwe Boll."

So I was flying high on a cloud made entirely of something called Battlefield 2 on the PS2. Then I picked up the recent Game Informer and realized just how useless and gay their rating system is. They use a 10 point scale, but they really only use a 5 point scale, from 6 to 10, which is retarded. If you flip through any issue of the magazine, every game will score somewhere between 7.5 and 8.75, which means to me that apparently they feel EVERY game is maybe probably sort of worth buying. Way to hedge. But most offensive was that not only did Battlefield 2 get one of the most innacurate reviews ever (did they review a beta? Bad visuals and clunky vehicles? Those weren't in MY version), but it got beat out by cookie-cutter, make-me-yawn-so-hard-my-jaw-cracks shit like GTA on the PSP. Really, how can carjacking some fool for the 3957th time really still be fun? I lost interest in that franchise about 10 minutes into Vice City. GTA can fuck off and die now. Or repopulate the cities with Chocobos or something. Carjacking a Chocobo would be hella sweet.

I'm flipping thru to see what other abhorrent games GI wanted me to read about this month, and I find the new Spy Hunter game. I hated the remakes that came out whenever they did in the last 5 years, and this one doesn't appear to be getting any better. I read about the car. And The Rock. And the Rock Moments, and that's where I wanted to kill myself. So, I can grab a guy, and throw him thru a fish tank, and then slap him in the face with a fish? That's a Rock moment? I can't believe people allow themselves to be signed up for this kind of shit (then again, Dwayne WAS in the Doom movie. And Walking Tall. That movie sucked). So I read that bit to Nick, and after he stopped staring in slack-jawed disbelief, he started laughing until he almost peed on the floor. My biggest disappointment is that there's prolly no multiplayer or online modes, so when I get to that sweet-ass slap-a-guy-in-the-face-with-a-fish mode, I won't be able to slap random guys on the internet in the face with a fish. Because nothing says SPY HUNTER like getting out of the car, picking up a fish, and slapping a guy with it. Fuck off and die now.

So the only real reason worth picking up GI anymore has nothing to do with the game coverage or the reviews, but for that chick Lisa who writes for them. She's cute. I'd totally make out with her and maybe more if her parents didn't come home in the middle of it or something. If they did, I'd punch out her dad (Mike Tyson style) and ask her mama-cita if she wanted in on the action. Actually, prolly not. Most people's moms aren't what you find on those MILF sites.

And I'm pretty sure I couldn't have invented a girl more desirable to me than Amy. Oh Amy yer so fine, yer so fine you blow my mind. HEY AMY! *clap clap cla-clap*

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