Tuesday, February 14, 2006

How To Be A Sneaky Bastard

I work from home, third shift. So, in a house full of sleeping people, it's important to know how to get around without waking anyone, or alerting them to your presence. This is a starter guide, mostly involving hardwood floor-centric noise, that should get you budding spies and infiltrators up and creeping in no time.

1. Do not walk down the middle of a hall or thru the middle of the room. Stick close to the walls. The floorboards there are much less traveled, and won't squeak as much.

2. Do not walk up the middle of a staircase. Similar to #1, the center portion sees much more foot traffic than the edges by the walls.

2a. Keep your foot close to the edge of the step, and walk on your toes or the balls of your feet. More padding on your feet there, so less noise, and the edge of the stair is closer to the underlying vertical support, so it has virtually no "give" and couldn't squeak if it wanted to.

3. On hardwood or tiled floors, stay away from dirty or separated segments. They clearly show tons of wear and more than likely will make an obscene amount of noise if stepped on.

4. Open and close doors with one finger on the door and one finger on the jamb. That way, when it gets close to closing, you'll know by the alignment of your fingers. Thus, you don't end up slamming it.

4a. Turn the knob as you close doors. The latch clicking against or into its socket will undoubtedly make noise.

5. Turn off the microwave at 0:01. Most microwaves beep loud and long, and cutting it short will spare you the risk of alerting anyone to your presence.

6. When putting dishes into the sink, stack them in another room beforehand so it only makes one noise going into the sink or onto the counter. This can be further muffled by putting down a towel first.

7. If you have a stupid dog in your house that barks at everything like we do, before heading upstairs, turn on some lights. For one, dogs get weirded out in the dark sometimes, and are more cautious. For another, if they can SEE you and get visual ID on you as a non-threat, you can curb the noise that the four-legged moron will make.

8. Wear headphones for everything.

9. Wear socks or slippers when moving about. This will muffle the sounds of your movements even more, and keep your footsies clean and warm, too.

10. If you're going to make anything to eat, do it before anyone else gets up and gives you grief over your poor diet and lack of concern for your well being. Fuck those people. You like Cinnamon Toast Crunch and frozen pizzas and won't have it any other way.

11. This is just a bonus to torture the people you're hiding from. Make popcorn while they're sleeping. That smell gets EVERYWHERE, and is instantly recognizable. They will dream about it and wake up hongry for something they would normally turn their noses up at the sight of. Thus, you win.

Those are just a few pointers, surely not an all encompassing list of ways to infiltrate this stronghold of dorks I live in. Print it out and take it with you tho. You never know when it'll come in handy.


Leslie said...

This would have been useful information back when I lived with my parents. All hardwood floors.

However, I still don't think it would have worked. They left their door open on purpose to hear me better, and both of them have ears like hawks. Bastards.

Lord Boinkingham said...

And what did little Leslie need to sneak around for? I thought you were a GOOD lil girl. :)