Tuesday, August 01, 2006

A Letter To Maria

(This was originally just to my friend Maria, but I figured you'd enjoy it, too. Plus, I'm too lazy to reformat this into a proper blog post. Also, I said some things I thought were pretty priceless in here.)

Hey Buttbucket,

Yeah, I finally saw it. Your dolt sister said "check out the new post" and to ME, that means BLOG post, not BULLETIN. Terminology is important. Would you call a gerund a predicate? No, I think not.

So you're toiling away in the temping doldrums. Sounds delish. I, on the other hand, got promoted today at my funky tech support gig, which ironically is based in NYC, but didn't get until I LEFT NYC. I have to do a little more work, still all from the comfort of my lazy desk at home (this means I can work naked if I want to), but my schedule rounds out to an even 40hrs now, plus I get a raise, and I'm STILL self-employed and of course I just plain rock in general. The really cool part is my boss passed up people who'd been working there for a few years and thought to offer me the promo FIRST cuz I'm such a swell guy (I've only been there 2.5 months). She called me "conscientious," which I think is a nerdy way of saying "sexy." Yeah, I rawk.

So here's two more things I started that you can start blabbing all over and make me famous for:

1. Instead of telling people to FUCK OFF, tell them to FUCK ON. Actually, a lesbian friend of mine started this, but I feel authorized to steal her thunder and sell it at warehouse prices.

2. "Drinks from the hose." This is used to describe something either BAD or GAY or BOTH. I think we talked about this already cuz I seem to remember saying to you "Mario sure does drink from the hose" as an example of using it gaily. Plus, when my computer locks up, that really drinks from the hose, too.

Also, I've been up in BG just about every other or every third day lately. Lotsa good times up thurr, especially at the hockey rink in the city park. I don't think I'm quite done with the east coast yet tho. I want to CEMENT my job situation and still enjoy parts of New England that are NOT Worcester, but I think I'd be pretty content raising a family in the Findlay or BG area. I got everything I need here. Someday man, when I find the right ho....

Speaking of, I've been getting on swimmingly with this chick lately. The MS page won't open right now, but it might by the time you read this. She's a lot of fun and very easy on the eyes, too. And, of course, since it's ME, she doesn't live within 1000 miles of me.

So, I rule. And if I rule any harder they're going to put two-term limits on MY AWESOMENESS! Kneel before Zod.


1 comment:

Beck said...

Totally Unrelated Comment Warning.

I like Edwin McCain, too.


I'm also a Leo.

What a coinky-dink.

(By the way, yea, I guess she's not bad to look at, but I'm not into chicks.)