Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Why NHL 09 Sucks

A brief list of reasons...
  1. No matter how aggressive you set your breakout, YOU will always be leading the charge. Even if you're a defenseman, last one back.
  2. Your morons will reach out and grab a loose puck when no one's around, but when it's contested, they just let the other team have it.
  3. Your team's shooting accuracy is zero. If you're standing in the crease and let it rip, they'll hit the rafters.
  4. The net can be wide open, and your idiots will not hit it.
  5. One timers do not work. Slap shots do not work. Scoring for your team does not work.
  6. The other team can walk right up to your goalie on the side and, with the pads flush up against the post, teleport the puck THROUGH either him or the net or both and get a goal.
  7. The computer can score literally at will. I had a 0-0 game till the third, and when I finally scored, they scored twice, and kept ahead of me the whole rest of the game.
  8. Hitting does not work. Shoving does not work. Essentially, any form of contact does not work. Your guy will ignore a player within striking distance, give him an all clear, and then once he's 10 feet away, shove dead air.
  9. Manual shot aim only goes to extremes, never actually on net.
  10. Auto shot aim always puts it right in the goalie's jersey or glove.
  11. One timers still do not work.
  12. Shooting from the point during a screen does not work.
  13. Shooting from the point and hoping for a redirect does not work.
  14. The AI team can control the puck and pick off your passes while laying face-down on the ice, but your guys lose control of it if somebody in the upper deck so much as farts.
  15. Your goalie will let total bullshit go right by him and never try to get a rebound. Theirs will stop goals from this game AND the one being played down the street.
  16. The game resets your strategies whenever it feels like it.
  17. If you have a breakaway and would really love to have another winger coming up with you to pass to, it won't happen. He'll go for a line change and a coffee break.
  18. Your poke checks will rarely stop a thing. THEIR poke checks are laser-guided.
  19. They can shoot through your entire body. Their players all must have goalie pads on, since you can't get anything between their legs.
  20. You can win every faceoff, control the puck the entire time, get all the power plays, have all the hits, and be playing 5 on 3 and still not get a single fucking goal.
  21. What fucking moron decided to put "hit" and "shoot" on the same stick? So you're trying to crush an asshole, he hands you the puck, and instead of hitting, you end up lobbing the puck down for icing.
  22. Conversely, when you're trying to set up in front of the net to receive a one-timer, you can't tap the shoot button, because you'll be swinging your stick around like a fucking lariat polearm, and draw a penalty for doing nothing but trying to make this piece of shit game actually WORK.
  23. The game will randomly switch who you're controlling. On top of that, the stupid arrow over the head is hard to see at times. What was so wrong with a circle around the feet of the guy with the puck?
  24. Goalies cannot pass to someone standing two feet in front of them; they will always turn it over to the other team standing further back, and let them score on him.
  25. The "custom controls" in Options only switches two buttons. They don't let you customize a goddamn thing.
  26. They got rid of the speed burst button. As someone who actually plays hockey in real life, this is bullshit. When you need a sudden sprint, you sure can muster it. But not in this game.
  27. The opposing team will almost always get the pass off before you can hit them. The ones they don't pass, they never lose control of, even if they spin around four times and fall down and DIE. Seriously, what the hell is this?
  28. Your buttons will not work when you have a chance to actually score.
  29. The opposing team can score best when they're face-humping your goalie.
  30. Screens only work against you, not for you.
  31. The camera typically cuts off your guys up high, making it impossible to know if you can pass back and across.
  32. The shootout camera is absolutely horrible, and cannot be adjusted except from bad to worse.
  33. You cannot score. You will not score. If by some accident you do, it won't matter becuase even on Easy, the computer cheats like you would absolutely not believe.
The only "tip" (if you can call it that) I received on how to score in this game is to throw random shit all over and not try to set up any plays. That isn't hockey. I don't know what that is, but I'm done with this stupid game.

Saturday, November 21, 2009


[Exclamation of support for team that will neither see nor benefit from it, but aligns me with the mob mentality of sporting fans and declares my allegiance to like-minded friends and colleagues so that we may synchronize grunts and gesticulations at the appropriate times]

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Shooting Prevents Suicide?

So I heard a news story today about a lady who was shot to death by a cop. She attacked him with a knife because he wouldn't let her climb into a bathtub full of water and appliances. He killed her for trying to kill herself. Way to get involved.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009


Yet another elaborate way to call a fellow gamer a homo: "Way to land the leading role in Thief: The Brown Project."


Monday, October 19, 2009

GFWL: I Hates It

Even tho they eventually made it free, I still hate Games for Windows Live, especially when it's required to save games....and then corrupts the save files. This corrupt save file thing is happening to me between installs on my two comps while trying to review Red Faction Guerrilla. Hate GFWL. Hate it.

Male Breast Cancer

Guys, remember to check your boobs. Also, motivation to eat your veggies...

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Prototype + Google Maps = Win

Anyone hunting for collectibles or anything else in Prototype would do well to check this out. Enables some slick Google Maps features for a fictional Manhattan. You can click icons you choose to display on the map to get a screenshot of where exactly the item is in the world. Helped me find the Hint orbs in no time flat. :)

Friday, September 18, 2009

Turtles in Time Remake Review

[00:50] Mark: i have to see how bad the remake of turtles in time is
[00:51] Mark: it's giving me a headache already
[00:57] Mark: wow this is terrible
[00:57] Mark: how did they manage to fuck this up?
[00:58] Mark: they won't even let you quit
[00:58] Mark: omg
[00:58] Mark: it's hell
[00:59] Mark: i have to uninstall this before my ps3 starts developing warts

Monday, August 24, 2009

Yep, I win on Google

It took a lil while for the Google overlords to get my post into the index, but sure enough, I currently have the lone result for my curious process research mentioned earlier today.


This (08e86f6f-e74e-48a9-b8a4-f51530ae61ab.exe) turned up in my task manager today, and looked awfully suspect. Turns out it's the "Alternate Start" for SuperAntiSpyware (i.e., the taskbar tray icon that enables scanning from the right-click context menu). I was a little surprised that none of the usual places had it in their databases (ProcessLibrary.com, BleepingComputer.com, FileResearchCenter.com, or WhatIsRunning.net).

So here it is for you. Let's see if this post tops out on Google. :)

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Fuel = ridiculously inconsistent

I still like this game, especially once I found out about the unintended "hit select when the timer says go to switch to any vehicle in any race" feature, but get this....

I start The Swamp race in Big Cauldron's Edge using the Trailblazer, perhaps the fastest and most well balance off/on-road bike available at this point, and as the 1st place guy is crossing the finish line, I'm in fourth or fifth, more than 500m behind 1st.

I try the same race again, this time using the Dustgrinder, which is roughly half as fast as the Trailblazer. I'm racing the same drivers in the same vehicles on the same track. Everything is the SAME except that I'm using a slower vehicle. The result? I win handily by 535m and 19 sec over the 2nd place finisher.

What. The. Eff.

Stupid Astroturf

Friday, August 07, 2009

G.I. Joe Complete Collection

I'm gonna have to get this sooner or later. If you'd like to get it for me sooner, I'll be your BFF.

Friday, July 31, 2009

Thursday, July 30, 2009

MP Wish List, 07/2009

Go forth and read my musings....
Multiplayer Wish List, July 2009

CoD4 = yawn

I'm amazed at how disappointed I am in Call of Duty 4 (granted, I'm just now getting around to playing it). Seriously, people think this is better than WaW? I know that'll get me shot and/or ostracized, but it's how I feel. Very on-rails, lots of random deaths you can't control, endlessly spawning enemies till you reach a certain point...I just have no motivation to keep playing it. World at War did the enemy spawn points now and then, but somehow it didn't annoy me as much as it does here. Feels like I'm playing a carnival game with nightvision goggles.

And that SAS commander guy sounds like he's talking with a mouth full of oatmeal. Without subtitles, I'd have no idea wtf he is saying. Back to Far Cry 2 for me. :\

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Far Cry 2 wasn't supposed to suck

I read this in GI the other day, and an extended version is on the web:

In it, Clint Hocking (producer at Ubi Montreal) talks about all these ideas and things that were supposed to be fixed, tweaked, and fleshed out in Far Cry 2 that, from the sounds of it, WOULD have made it a much better game, but alas, everything got cut due to the publisher wanting to have it out by Xmas. That's really annoying.

The most appalling explanation he gives is about why the Camo suit costs so much and does so little. Basically they had to cut weapons and had diamonds left over, but rather than removing some from the game and having to retest to make sure it was balanced and didn't break anything, they just dumped them all into the Camo suit cost...which apparently doesn't actually do much in the game. And another thing....stealth didn't get the attention it deserved, and basically doesn't work in the game. The villages were supposed to be populated like Assassin's Creed's, the wildlife was supposed to be its own ecosystem, feeding off each other and attacking NPCs and whatnot...it goes on and on. Give it a read. You can tell the guy is apologetic of how badly Ubisoft made them screw the game over just to hit a release window. I still find it mildly amusing, but Crysis blows it away in every conceivable way. But Crysis won't run playably on my laptop. :)

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Download Paradise = breakage

Burnout Paradise forced me and Sean to download patch 1.90 just to play online last night. His son was playing the game just fine a few hours earlier. Apparently the patch breaks online play, and/or I read a rumor about Tuesdays being "maintenance" day at Criterion. I have yet to confirm the latter, but I can assure you that after wasting time downloading a 400MB+ stupid worthless patch, the online component of the game -- the only thing we were interested in at the time -- is completely broken, because no longer could either of us connect to the "Paradise servers."

Just another reason we don't need some frigging middleman third party futzing up the works when trying to game online. Rainbow Six Vegas kicked this off on the PC (Ubi's servers su-u-u-uck), and it's spread elsewhere. Direct-connect and/or private console to console sessions work JUST FINE. Hamachi for the win; if only it worked on consoles.

The end. Thanks for listening.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Escher Legos

It's in Spanish, but the images still rock. Escher paintings, redone in Legos.

What Not To Watch

Instead of "What Not To Wear," it should be called "we're going to make you look even more awful in the other direction."

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Cannon Fodder

A classic, packaged with its own Genesis emulator strapped on.

Far Cry 2 PC Keyboard Config File

If anybody knows where this file is stored and how to access it (to modify it manually and fix some stuff that doesn't work), please tell me and I'll love you forever.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Lolra Sez... The Movie

Well, not a movie yet, but give it time.

Lolra sez... There's totally a FedEx right over here

Me: So where's this FedEx?
Lolra: Just on the other side of that awning.

We walk past the awning, all the way to the end of the building. There is no FedEx Kinko's

Me: So, um, where is it?
Lolra: Maybe I saw that Rinkov optical place and just "saw" Kinko's.
Me: Reading fail.

Lolra sez... Interviews: Getting You Out Of The House

Lolra: At least this interview should get me out of the house.
Me: [chuckling] What, no option to have them come to our place?

Resident Evil 5 penile humor

Playing RE5 online with Sean the other night, and amidst all the finds of "Gold (small)" and "Gold (large)," I said, "If your wiener was an item in this game, it would be 'Penis (small).'" I lol'd for like five minutes (and still do every time I think about it). And for that, he called me stupid, and said I got way to much enjoyment out of the joke. :)

Lolra sez... Laughing = wanting to go there

Watching a show on PBS where a guy goes to Bath, England, drinks some mineral water and says, "That tastes bad enough to be good for you."

Me: [laughs]
Lolra: You laughed, that must mean you want to go there!
Me: Titty bar, HAHAHAHA!
Lolra: [frown] That makes no sense.
Me: I laughed, that must mean I want to go there.
Lolra: Oh. You're stupid.

Lolra sez... USB Tweezers

Lolra: Why do you have my tweezers?
Me: What are you talking about?
Lolra: Aren't those my tweezers in your hand?
Me: This is a USB flash drive.
Lolra: Oh.
Me: USB Tweezers would be cool tho.

He's Poopin'

Mirror's Edge thoughts

Spent some moar time helping Lolra suffer thru this game. It really is buggy and kind of unpolished. Faith's inability to grab shit right in front of her half the time stands out even more when compared to the rampant and generally well implemented "grab" mechanics in Infamous, which is a blast if you haven't tried the demo. Mirror's Edge has an undue amt of trial and error (try, die, fail, repeat) at times and the combat sucks ass; I get that the combat probably sucks on purpose to force people to want to run away, but still, this game's got nothing on Infamous, Assassin's Creed, or Prince of Persia, IMO. Frankly, I'll be glad when it's over.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

PerfectDisk Error Fixed!

PerfectDisk error:

DefragFs: PerfectDisk failed to start correctly.
Hit any key to restart immediately. Restarting in 10 seconds.

Starting optimization for C:\
Volume is not dirty
Failed to open volume using Defrag32 (32, 538).
Could not gain exclusive access to drive C:\ (32)
There is a possible driver conflict. (C:\)

Go to this registry key (via regedit):
"HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SYSTEM\CurrentControlSet\Control\Session Manager"

Open the value named "BootExecute"

The normal entry for ME there is:
autocheck autochk *

Delete anything else that's in there, restart, and try doing another offline system file defrag. Should work now.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

An Unexpected Return

Since Myspace is a steaming pile of shit lately with crashing my browser whilst trying to post blogs, I guess I'll revert back to here, the interface I vastly preferred, but lacked in the social aspect. If you're reading, I love you. If you're not, well what the fart is wrong with you? GET SOME!