Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Why NHL 09 Sucks

A brief list of reasons...
  1. No matter how aggressive you set your breakout, YOU will always be leading the charge. Even if you're a defenseman, last one back.
  2. Your morons will reach out and grab a loose puck when no one's around, but when it's contested, they just let the other team have it.
  3. Your team's shooting accuracy is zero. If you're standing in the crease and let it rip, they'll hit the rafters.
  4. The net can be wide open, and your idiots will not hit it.
  5. One timers do not work. Slap shots do not work. Scoring for your team does not work.
  6. The other team can walk right up to your goalie on the side and, with the pads flush up against the post, teleport the puck THROUGH either him or the net or both and get a goal.
  7. The computer can score literally at will. I had a 0-0 game till the third, and when I finally scored, they scored twice, and kept ahead of me the whole rest of the game.
  8. Hitting does not work. Shoving does not work. Essentially, any form of contact does not work. Your guy will ignore a player within striking distance, give him an all clear, and then once he's 10 feet away, shove dead air.
  9. Manual shot aim only goes to extremes, never actually on net.
  10. Auto shot aim always puts it right in the goalie's jersey or glove.
  11. One timers still do not work.
  12. Shooting from the point during a screen does not work.
  13. Shooting from the point and hoping for a redirect does not work.
  14. The AI team can control the puck and pick off your passes while laying face-down on the ice, but your guys lose control of it if somebody in the upper deck so much as farts.
  15. Your goalie will let total bullshit go right by him and never try to get a rebound. Theirs will stop goals from this game AND the one being played down the street.
  16. The game resets your strategies whenever it feels like it.
  17. If you have a breakaway and would really love to have another winger coming up with you to pass to, it won't happen. He'll go for a line change and a coffee break.
  18. Your poke checks will rarely stop a thing. THEIR poke checks are laser-guided.
  19. They can shoot through your entire body. Their players all must have goalie pads on, since you can't get anything between their legs.
  20. You can win every faceoff, control the puck the entire time, get all the power plays, have all the hits, and be playing 5 on 3 and still not get a single fucking goal.
  21. What fucking moron decided to put "hit" and "shoot" on the same stick? So you're trying to crush an asshole, he hands you the puck, and instead of hitting, you end up lobbing the puck down for icing.
  22. Conversely, when you're trying to set up in front of the net to receive a one-timer, you can't tap the shoot button, because you'll be swinging your stick around like a fucking lariat polearm, and draw a penalty for doing nothing but trying to make this piece of shit game actually WORK.
  23. The game will randomly switch who you're controlling. On top of that, the stupid arrow over the head is hard to see at times. What was so wrong with a circle around the feet of the guy with the puck?
  24. Goalies cannot pass to someone standing two feet in front of them; they will always turn it over to the other team standing further back, and let them score on him.
  25. The "custom controls" in Options only switches two buttons. They don't let you customize a goddamn thing.
  26. They got rid of the speed burst button. As someone who actually plays hockey in real life, this is bullshit. When you need a sudden sprint, you sure can muster it. But not in this game.
  27. The opposing team will almost always get the pass off before you can hit them. The ones they don't pass, they never lose control of, even if they spin around four times and fall down and DIE. Seriously, what the hell is this?
  28. Your buttons will not work when you have a chance to actually score.
  29. The opposing team can score best when they're face-humping your goalie.
  30. Screens only work against you, not for you.
  31. The camera typically cuts off your guys up high, making it impossible to know if you can pass back and across.
  32. The shootout camera is absolutely horrible, and cannot be adjusted except from bad to worse.
  33. You cannot score. You will not score. If by some accident you do, it won't matter becuase even on Easy, the computer cheats like you would absolutely not believe.
The only "tip" (if you can call it that) I received on how to score in this game is to throw random shit all over and not try to set up any plays. That isn't hockey. I don't know what that is, but I'm done with this stupid game.


J. said...

OMG! I totally loved this! I wrote a review for this game on how bad it was.

Mark said...

I finally found some breathing room by turning shot power and accuracy all the way up, and there's a spot just on either side of the slot just inside the blue line where a toe-drag snapshot is almost guaranteed to go in. The rest of the game is still BS, though.

Anonymous said...

Mark, I'm not gay. But I love you for posting this 33.points about "NHL09". In fact when buying it I had been used to NHL2003, NHL06. They already initiated this f..king morron behaviour of your own players. But at least you could switch this stupid behaviour of. Changing tactics would make sense. In fact step by step yo could "know" how to play and if you were bored winning easily you simply switched AI and everything else higher (usually ending up with me glowing like charcoal at lava temperature because of the silly 5 players no more doing anything the way they were supposed to.) But even in "hardcore" mode I prefer NHL06. I tried and tried to play 09 believing there would be the day or the hour I would be able to somehow control what's happening on the ice. But no I got exactly this out of it: 1. "Try improve your and it will end up in a self destructive mess." 2."Just play like a 2 year old shooting and pushing any knob and you will succeed. They play never seen combinations, win lost pucks, score unscorable goals and you will not be able to reproduce a single one of them (except if you just don't want to.) 3. Perfect game for smashing your game controllers. (I tried to keep cool but I couldn't help destroying two so to say brand new PS3 controllers.) Somehow the game reminds of those office automatic correction tools which drive you crazy unil you turn it of. The difference is office was initially not invented for having fun. NHL yes. Hmmm...

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David said...

Pretty good. You, of course forgot the infamous EA freeze. You know the situation: you set up a guy for a perfect one timer, make the pass, and then, he just freezes and there is nothing you can do with him for 5-6 seconds. There's also the inexplicable sliding off of players you have lined up for a bone crushing hit: apparently, opposing team players have jerseys made out of teflon.